Thank goodness for the spam filter on this blog or there would be 8,696 (the actual number according to our spam filter over the past eight months) comments trying to sell “cheap Vi@gr@” posted for all to see. Usuually they start with “very nice blog!“ and then swing into the link for the miracle pill.
Chances are, if you have e-mail, you have gotten one of these spam sales pitches. The headlines have gotten even better. After all, sales usually relies on a good headline to get the consumer to read on. Now, don’t get me wrong – I take Viagra and it’s a wonderful product. Sometimes I take it just to get this one nice pair of pants to fit better. Viagra has many uses but I won’t go into that here. This story is the headlines used to sell meds via spam.
In the US, Viagra is available via prescription only, and will cost around $10 per pill. Pfizer still control the production and distribution of Viagra in the US, so in essence they can control this price to maximise profit and to recoup the cost of development.
However, in certain countries (for instance, India and Mexico), the patent on Sildenafil citrate has expired – meaning that it can be manufactured in these countries very cheaply indeed. Pharmacy websites have sprung up to act as a channel for distribution, likely operating outside of the USA, and charging in the region of $2 per pill – and at nearly a fifth of the cost to the US consumer, this mode of distribution is a very popular way to sell Viagra online.
With this profit comes great competition, however, so off-shore pharmacy sites have resorted to one of the most popular forms of product marketing on the internet – affiliation. With massive profit margins to fall back on, pharmacy companies can easily offer commission rates of around 40% to their affiliates – a very tempting offer to some people.
Affiliation of this nature is ideally suited to spam – the affiliates are legally separate from the online pharmacy, so the pharmacy itself is in no way liable for the illegal bulk email – the onus there falls to the mysterious spammer, likely hid behind false identities and proxy servers. Obviously, for the pharmacy this is ideal – and it provides an ideal opportunity for spammers to make a quick profit.
Click rates for email campaigns are difficult to know exactly – it largely depends on the campaign, the success in evading email filters, and the format of the email itself. However, generally speaking it is very low – reports suggest a typical figure of around 0.02%. Supposing the spammer sends 1 million emails in a day – not an unlikely figure given the ease of sending email – this means the spammer can expect to see 200 clicks through to the online pharmacy store.
Conversion rates are likely to be much higher – I would expect 1% to be a typical figure, but again, this can vary between campaigns. At this figure, then, the spammer can expect to see a handful of orders per million emails. Typical order values are quite high though – price breaks help push the lowest viable purchase to at least $100. If we assume $100 as the average transaction, 40% commission means the spammer will net $80 per million emails sent – all considered, not a bad return.
Of course, there are running costs involved – DSL lines, computers, email lists – but assuming the spammer can send a million emails a day, he/she will earn $29,200 per year – not a bad sum, considering the minimal work involved.
And if you scale up the figures – say the spammer has the capacity to send 5 million emails a day, and the capability to attain the same sort of conversion ratio, then the potential yearly earnings are $146,000 – an impressive amount by any standards.
Take a look at what kind of one-liners and which selling techniques are being used by marketers, who harass millions of people every single day with their commercial messages, and who even try to lure women into taking a look at their, to penis enlargement pills dedicated, websites.
This is a selection of the 30 most creative (or weird) email subject lines used by Viagra spammers (well, at least in my inbox).
Try to sell by using fear:
- A man with a small penis is not a 100% man.
- All jokes aside, yeah you do got a tiny c@ck!
- Will she wait or has she found a bigger d!ck already?
- If you can cover your pen!s with your thumb…
- She might stay with you if your d!ck gets bigger.
Try to sell by using envy or desire:
- The reflection of your size will stay forever in her eyes.
- Bigger pen!s gives you a bunch of benefits!
- The most defiant fillies will strive for riding your new big Italian stallion.
- I have girls that ring me for sex now, its amazing!
- A big pen!s after a small one feels like the sun after rain.
- Make an elephant out of your ant.
- Never be limp again, make your c@ck rock solid!
Try to sell by using confusing language:
- May i ask why you’re so unhappy with your d!c’k?
- Specify How Much You Want Your p3N!ss to Grow
- Your new s’e_xual world is waiting for its leader.
Try to sell by using other techniques:
- Well done; you’ve just found the best kept secret to enlarge your pen!s!
- Yes it gets big, yes it gets strong, yes you can do it.
- Go to the disco and let your love stick glow!
- A real man should have a real pen!s. Here it is!
- Bigger pen!s stimulates more nerve endings in female v@gina.
And the top 10:
10. 21st century is the century for big pen!ses.
Ok, so you’re just advising me to keep up with the modern trends?
9. Prove your manliness! Take ÜberDik and be a man!
I have to give this company some credits for that brilliantly selected brand name…
8. Have you ever heard this, “Gush! Your pen!s is so small!”?
Not to my face. Have you heard anything?
7. Try it now and shock all your friends with your tool.
It would still not be a “Black and Decker.”
6. Nothing can seduce women faster than a big pen!s.
Maybe, but then my personality gets in the way.
5. 25% discount on your penis!
Something like buy 4 extra Inches and only pay for 3?
4. Satisfy all big c@ck lovers with Pen!s Enlarge Patch.
There’s a patch for it? It’s like Windows Vista!
3. Be proud to change your underwear on public.
Isn’t that kind of illegal? Is there a pill to prevent skid marks because that might be embarrassing.
2. Does your Mr. Winkie need upgrading? Our offer will interest you.
Mr. Winkie 2.0? Does it include “hardware?”
1. Men with big pen!ses go to heaven!
Do I have to convert first? What about St. Peter? (now THAT was a good pun!)
There is, of course, much better headlines when professionals put their minds to it. In an urban legens that went around the web a few years ago, the head of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List.
The top ten were:
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper.
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, home of the whopper!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan:
1. This is your pen!s. This is your pen!s on drugs.
And then there’s the infamous banned commercials for Viagra:
Is there a point to this post aside from whining about the amount of spam in the world and then showing crude examples? Of course! Give us a minute and we’ll think of one…
The point is that every product needs professional thought behind the marketing and sales used to reach out to consumers. A bad headline wastes time, effort and money for your ad. So, the next time you think of your copywriting needs, just think of this Viagra post and you’ll think of wieners and hopefully that will remind you of us! At The AFTERLIFE, we believe your product deserves the best headline and marketing plan possible. It’s not that hard…for us!