People’s favorite food…FREE!

One of my first jobs in an office taught me that the communal refrigerator isn’t a great test of the honors system. All during my first week, someone helped themselves to my lunch. It was a small office but a question of where my lunch had gone was only met by shrugs from coworkers. Marking the lunch bag with my name didn’t help. Using an old Underdog lunch box didn’t work. It wasn’t by mistake my lunch disappeared. The next week, when my lunch disappeared again, I announced we would all know the culprit in half an hour because I had loaded it with rat poison. A coworker jumped up and screamed and was rushed to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. My lunch was never stolen again because I was fired even though I hadn’t really poisoned my lunch.

There were two things I learned from that episode. Firstly, that the theft of lunch is not a felony, so being caught carries no punishment and, secondly, it’s pretty funny to watch someone who thinks they’ve been poisoned.

There are products to aid the sorry coworker who trusts his/her lunch will be safe from overeating office rats. The Atomic Bowl set, which we’ve spotlighted before, is cute but not enough of a threat to stop those with hunger pangs when it comes to having their second or third lunch.

I’d like to think that a lunch that appears rotten and infested would deter people but let’s face it, we all have had coworkers who seem to prefer aged foods as long as it’s free. Also spotlighted before, the rotting food lunch bags, pre-printed with mold spots might keep out first level snack snitches but there are diners that serve food less fresh than these bags make your sandwich appear.

Let’s face facts — there is only two things that will stop a thieving hungry coworker — poisoned…no, that doesn’t work. One is having your own mini fridge in your cubicle, but that is usually against company power regulations and fire laws. The other is your own lockdown cell for your felonious lunch.

Whatever level of security you need, perpetualkid.com has them all. These products remind us of the evolution in security, forced by the de-evolution of society and the rules that protect our daily bodily fuel. The need and the solution. Another  great innovation! I’d like to think the rumored poisoned sandwich is the next level of innovation and I was just years ahead of my time.

Happy Birthday…to us!

Our first year in business and we are so happy that things have gone so well. From our happy but odd staff to our satisfied clients and curious blog readers, we thank you for a great year and hope there will be many more!

(These aren’t the cakes we had but they would have been too cool to eat – we enjoyed my niece’s Halloween cupcakes and leftover bags of candy not given to trick or treaters).

THAT is a WHOPPER!

And Burger King figures out another way to stop the burger wars…and your heart with the leventeengybillion calories. The Windows 7 Burger, which had to be approved by some hopefully former employee of Microsoft has got to be more for visual effect because you should only eat one of these as you plummet from the highest building you can, savoring the fat level that might actually kill you before you hit the pavement. Either way, it’s a suicide burger.

Maybe Microsoft just wants to decimate the foreign markets so Microsoft can take over the world? Too late!

Food for thought

We’ve said it a million times (well, a few times on this blog) — check into everything you put out there! Packaging with slang that might not read just right in a foreign market, promotions that will go wrong and alienate customers and the ever popular, check your fulfillment capabilities before you attempt to distribute something you promise consumers.

With that said, here’s some more famous blunders that no one checked.

In recent news you may have heard about McDonald’s in Japan giving away 10,000 MP3 players, fully loaded with 10 free songs. Problem is, many of them were also loaded with a Trojan virus that captured user info and sent it to hackers the minute it was plugged into a computer, sending all personal information to those hackers. No one was “lovin’ it!”

Not to be outdone in bad taste, Burger King foolishly ran an ad for their new Texican Burger. “The taste of Texas and a little, spicy Mexican” – and they do mean little. The ad for the new product ran only briefly in Spain and the United Kingdom before the Mexican government demanded it be pulled. Seems they don’t like having their countrymen depicted as three-foot-tall wrestlers who wear the Mexican flag as a cape. Winner of the major “DUH!” award.

The folks at Pepsi pooped out recently. Pepsi offered to give away 250 pairs of Yankee Stadium opening day tickets. But when the Pepsi reps showed up in Times Square, instead of the 250 pairs of the promised tickets, they showed up with just 100 sets and most were for a game in June. As one would expect, this basically led to a mob scene, with angry fans yelling “Pepsi sucks!” and pouring cans of soda out on the street. Sounds like fans were coked up!

The Dominos keep falling one after another for Domino’s Pizza. After two moronic employees posted videos of themselves treating customer’s orders like they treated their own careers, causing massive expenditures for spin doctors to revive the brand, Domino’s offered free pizzas to anyone that types in the code “bailout.” Only problem is the promotion hadn’t actually been approved before the code got out and 11,000 free pies were given out. Company reps blamed the error on a computer glitch, or hackers. But Domino’s actually looked pretty good after this one for honoring the giveaway. One of the few companies that take it like a man…with extra cheese!

Norwegian McDonald’s restaurants had the bright idea to name a burger after a place where millions of people were facing starvation. Reps said the McAfrika Sandwich (there’s trouble brewing there in the name alone) was based on an authentic African recipe (sure it was) but that didn’t stop many in Norway from accusing McDonald’s of extreme insensitivity. McDonald’s considered donating proceeds to famine relief, but ended up allowing relief agencies to place collection boxes in participating restaurants. Stay tuned for the McSwineflu Rib Sandwich!

A recent online promotion from Carl’s Jr. (also known as Hardee’s in some states) for a free $2.75 “Famous Star” hamburger coupon went a little too viral. 276 winning contestants were texted a passcode and a 48-hour-only URL where they could download their coupon. And as the saying goes, they told two friends…who each told two friends…and so on…and so on. A day later, hundreds of websites were posting the URL and passcode, and the company had to shut down the promotion. Apparently viral isn’t always a good thing.

It seems a simple process but promotions take research, planning and experts to back it up and tie it together. Here at The AFTERLIFE, we also consult on your ideas to take them further, or hold them back a bit. Our teams are experienced with major national campaigns and initiatives, so why throw away money on an idea that just may need a little tweaking…or major project management?

HELP!

Bag this garbage!

We love brilliant thought and the works by this artist, Joshua Allen Harris, is uber-brilliant! Form, function and art for the common man/woman. Inspiring!

Products with real conviction!

Some Florida minimum-security inmates want to know: Can you handle the heat?

Hot sauce heat, that is — Jail House Fire Hot Sauce, cooked up by inmates at the Hillsborough County Jail and now offered for sale. The idea to make Jail House Fire Hot Sauce came from a Cuban former inmate who thought food in the big house was bland. Allen Boatman, the head of the jail’s horticulture program, remembers what his former trusty said: “We’re growing these peppers. Why don’t we use them?”

Peppers are grown as part of the jail’s horticulture program, which is voluntary and offered only to minimum-security trusties. The inmates learn about growing plants, ornamentals, trees, herbs and vegetables — including more than 1,200 varieties of peppers.

“I thought that was a great idea, so I started doing research on some of the recipes,” says Boatman. The research led to a variety of hot sauces that can be bought for $7 a bottle at the jail in Tampa, Florida, or online at www.jailhousefire.org.

There are three different sauces for sale:

“No Escape” — This is the hottest of the hot, with a warning on the hot sauce’s Web site: “It’s not for the faint of stomach.”

“Smoke” — This is the sauce that inmate Marshall Deline recommends. “It’s not as hot,” Deline says, “it’s more of a smoky flavor.”

“Original” — This is the favorite of customer Bill Bradley, who has used hot sauce on his foods for 49 years. “All three are distinctive,” says Bradley, who considers himself somewhat of a hot sauce expert. “The ‘Smoke’ is a chipotle type, the ‘Original’ has a good bite but has a little bit of a fruity taste. And, of course, the ‘No Escape’ is on fire.”

Coming soon is a fourth sauce: Misdemeanor.

The inmates make no money from this product. The money goes back into an inmate fund that pays for things like the greenhouse where the peppers are grown. The horticulture program pays for itself, says Boatman, so no taxpayer money is used.

So, order your bottle or bottles now before this opportunity ESCAPES you!

Driving on the sun?

Scott Brusaw wants to pave our streets with solar panels. It’s not as crazy as it seems. The plan is to replace asphalt with an integrated network of solar panels that people can drive on. Not only would Solar Roadways replace our current fossil-fuel-intensive asphalt and concrete paved surfaces, but they could essentially replace the power grid itself. Imagine a world without coal-fired power plants, without obnoxious power lines, without smog – a world where the very road you drive on pollution-free supplies everything from on demand power for your electric vehicle and your home to high-speed internet and cable TV service – all with clean “green” energy from the sun. We know, it sounds crazy, but Scott is perfectly sane – we promise. Take a look for yourself at his website.

Watch an interview and video of his brilliant idea.

May the force – of the wind – be with you.

A fun new product is a long time coming (30 years, to be exact). Star Wars 3D kites will be the hottest thing in parks and the beach (Hoth ice planets and planets about to be blown to smithereens). For $39.99 you can pilot your own Tie fighter, X-wing or Millennium  Falcon.

Personally, I think the world needs a Death Star kite or at least balloon. I know that’s what I would be flying proudly – but then again, I have a soft side for the dark side.

Nobody knows pop culture, new products and innovative thought like The AFTERLIFE! When it comes to your design needs for packaging, products, print or digital, we can supply you with the WOW! FACTOR you need. Drop us a message and we’ll WOW! you with just our reply.

WOW! me

Cheap Vi@gr@ – the hard truth!

Thank goodness for the spam filter on this blog or there would be 8,696 (the actual number according to our spam filter over the past eight months) comments trying to sell “cheap Vi@gr@” posted for all to see. Usuually they start with “very nice blog!“ and then swing into the link for the miracle pill.

Chances are, if you have e-mail, you have gotten one of these spam sales pitches. The headlines have gotten even better. After all, sales usually relies on a good headline to get the consumer to read on. Now, don’t get me wrong – I take Viagra and it’s a wonderful product. Sometimes I take it just to get this one nice pair of pants to fit better. Viagra has many uses but I won’t go into that here. This story is the headlines used to sell meds via spam.

In the US, Viagra is available via prescription only, and will cost around $10 per pill. Pfizer still control the production and distribution of Viagra in the US, so in essence they can control this price to maximise profit and to recoup the cost of development.

However, in certain countries (for instance, India and Mexico), the patent on Sildenafil citrate has expired – meaning that it can be manufactured in these countries very cheaply indeed. Pharmacy websites have sprung up to act as a channel for distribution, likely operating outside of the USA, and charging in the region of $2 per pill – and at nearly a fifth of the cost to the US consumer, this mode of distribution is a very popular way to sell Viagra online.

With this profit comes great competition, however, so off-shore pharmacy sites have resorted to one of the most popular forms of product marketing on the internet – affiliation. With massive profit margins to fall back on, pharmacy companies can easily offer commission rates of around 40% to their affiliates – a very tempting offer to some people.

Affiliation of this nature is ideally suited to spam – the affiliates are legally separate from the online pharmacy, so the pharmacy itself is in no way liable for the illegal bulk email – the onus there falls to the mysterious spammer, likely hid behind false identities and proxy servers. Obviously, for the pharmacy this is ideal – and it provides an ideal opportunity for spammers to make a quick profit.

Click rates for email campaigns are difficult to know exactly – it largely depends on the campaign, the success in evading email filters, and the format of the email itself. However, generally speaking it is very low – reports suggest a typical figure of around 0.02%. Supposing the spammer sends 1 million emails in a day – not an unlikely figure given the ease of sending email – this means the spammer can expect to see 200 clicks through to the online pharmacy store.

Conversion rates are likely to be much higher – I would expect 1% to be a typical figure, but again, this can vary between campaigns. At this figure, then, the spammer can expect to see a handful of orders per million emails. Typical order values are quite high though – price breaks help push the lowest viable purchase to at least $100. If we assume $100 as the average transaction, 40% commission means the spammer will net $80 per million emails sent – all considered, not a bad return.

Of course, there are running costs involved – DSL lines, computers, email lists – but assuming the spammer can send a million emails a day, he/she will earn $29,200 per year – not a bad sum, considering the minimal work involved.

And if you scale up the figures – say the spammer has the capacity to send 5 million emails a day, and the capability to attain the same sort of conversion ratio, then the potential yearly earnings are $146,000 – an impressive amount by any standards.

Take a look at what kind of one-liners and which selling techniques are being used by marketers, who harass millions of people every single day with their commercial messages, and who even try to lure women into taking a look at their, to penis enlargement pills dedicated, websites.

This is a selection of the 30 most creative (or weird) email subject lines used by Viagra spammers (well, at least in my inbox).

Try to sell by using fear:

- A man with a small penis is not a 100% man.

- All jokes aside, yeah you do got a tiny c@ck!

- Will she wait or has she found a bigger d!ck already?

- If you can cover your pen!s with your thumb…

- She might stay with you if your d!ck gets bigger.

Try to sell by using envy or desire:

- The reflection of your size will stay forever in her eyes.

- Bigger pen!s gives you a bunch of benefits!

- The most defiant fillies will strive for riding your new big Italian stallion.

- I have girls that ring me for sex now, its amazing!

- A big pen!s after a small one feels like the sun after rain.

- Make an elephant out of your ant.

- Never be limp again, make your c@ck rock solid!

Try to sell by using confusing language:

- May i ask why you’re so unhappy with your d!c’k?

- Specify How Much You Want Your p3N!ss to Grow

- Your new s’e_xual world is waiting for its leader.

Try to sell by using other techniques:

- Well done; you’ve just found the best kept secret to enlarge your pen!s!

- Yes it gets big, yes it gets strong, yes you can do it.

- Go to the disco and let your love stick glow!

- A real man should have a real pen!s. Here it is!

- Bigger pen!s stimulates more nerve endings in female v@gina.

And the top 10:

10. 21st century is the century for big pen!ses.
Ok, so you’re just advising me to keep up with the modern trends?

9. Prove your manliness! Take ÜberDik and be a man!
I have to give this company some credits for that brilliantly selected brand name…

8. Have you ever heard this, “Gush! Your pen!s is so small!”?
Not to my face. Have you heard anything?

7. Try it now and shock all your friends with your tool.
It would still not be a “Black and Decker.”

6. Nothing can seduce women faster than a big pen!s.
Maybe, but then my personality gets in the way.

5. 25% discount on your penis!
Something like buy 4 extra Inches and only pay for 3?

4. Satisfy all big c@ck lovers with Pen!s Enlarge Patch.
There’s a patch for it? It’s like Windows Vista!

3. Be proud to change your underwear on public.
Isn’t that kind of illegal? Is there a pill to prevent skid marks because that might be embarrassing.

2. Does your Mr. Winkie need upgrading? Our offer will interest you.
Mr. Winkie 2.0? Does it include “hardware?”

1. Men with big pen!ses go to heaven!
Do I have to convert first? What about St. Peter? (now THAT was a good pun!)

There is, of course, much better headlines when professionals put their minds to it. In an urban legens that went around the web a few years ago, the head of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme was Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was that they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products, that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable. About seven minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top Ten List.

The top ten were: 

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up! 

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper. 

8. Viagra, Like a rock! 

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. 

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be. 

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone. 

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. 

3. Viagra, home of the whopper! 

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life! 

And the unanimous number one slogan: 

1. This is your pen!s. This is your pen!s on drugs.

And then there’s the infamous banned commercials for Viagra:

Is there a point to this post aside from whining about the amount of spam in the world and then showing crude examples? Of course! Give us a minute and we’ll think of one…

The point is that every product needs professional thought behind the marketing and sales used to reach out to consumers. A bad headline wastes time, effort and money for your ad. So, the next time you think of your copywriting needs, just think of this Viagra post and you’ll think of wieners and hopefully that will remind you of us! At The AFTERLIFE, we believe your product deserves the best headline and marketing plan possible. It’s not that hard…for us!

Yes! I want to get in touch with those AFTERLIFE wieners.

When animators go hopelessly insane!

Animator, Don Hertzfeldt, probably known to readers for his clever and funny Pop Tart commercials has a dark side (as if we couldn’t tell).

In a film from a few years back, Mr. Hertzfeldt shows some rejected work. Rejected? I’m surprised he wasn’t thrown from an office window for submitting these! But, one has to admire the creative freedom he showed and tried to put forth into a medium that can be too dependent on building off the safety of previous examples, which, means the commercial industry actually moves backwards while consumer’s needs and desires keep moving forward.

We at The AFTERLIFE celebrate going the next step. Create “WOW!” factor. Amaze, create buzz and make something lesser creatives will copy. That has been our history – creating work others follow. Naturally, we also know what the meaning of going too far. It can be a delicate balance. Live on the edge but don’t fall over it.

Take me to the edge of The AFTERLIFE!