The AFTERLIFE EPITAPH – Dec. 29th, 2008 #7, Vol.1

A little cannibal boy says to his cannibal mother, “I hate my sister’s guts!”

His mother replies, “shut up and eat your dinner!”

Yes, it seems, judging by the amount of feedback, that people loved the “GUTS” issue and asked for seconds. So, being one to pander to the desire of the readers, here’s “GUTS – Part Deux” with Fava beans and a nice Chianti!


Not a real ad but a great commentary on the current government bailout. Although this is not a “real” ad, it hits emotions and opinions right on the head and that’s what advertising should do every day.



As outlined in the last “GUTS” issue, our friends at Hell Pizza, in New Zealand are at it again. Watch out members of the Hell Company…he still has access to the nuclear launch codes. He could always claim he thought the button said “lunch!”



If you didn’t catch this ad from Heineken, here it is. Powerful, but is the message that Santa drinks?



Another nice concept from the people who brought you the haunting Ronald baby (see issue #3), which still gives me the willies.



In 1975, people would scoff at the idea of an inflatable Christmas tree and that was the idea of this MAD cover. Only an idiot like Alfred E. Neuman would have something like this. (note the idiot who scanned all the MAD covers as credit is due).


So now we have surpassed the inflatable tree, the plastic tree, the aluminum tree and gone right to the LED tree. Energize me, Santa!



Jingle SMELLS!


Yes, our friends at Burger King have bottled that enticing aroma sure to drive the opposite sex into your arms. Flame is the new scent with the hint of broiled meat. If you’re behind this gift for the meat lover in your life, well, you can find it at Ricky’s in New York City, or order it online from the link below so you can ketchup!


Hey, Starbucks! You’re a bunch of dumb f***s!


McDonald’s is at it again with yet another billboard pointed right at the Starbucks corporate offices in Seattle. You have to give them the “GUTS” award for this one (and the one in Epitaph issue #3).


More billboard hijinx as the Arby’s people steal from the News 46 Weatherperson for their “I’m thinking Arby’s” campaign. Looking at her, I’m not thinking Arby’s!


And this piece of sabotage marketing as India based Kingfisher Airlines rides the back of an unsuspecting ad for Jet Airways…


…and the ambient marketing for (although now which restroom is for which gender?).



If you’re Christmas giving was met with, “oh…that’s, um, nice!” or you still owe some presents, think about these simple gifts…

The personal theme shirt. With built in speaker, you can download an MP3 and run through the street with the theme from Mission Impossible playing along, or strut downtown like Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. Life is so much better with it set to a soundtrack (also, see the drum set T-shirt in Epitaph issue #5 ).


The cell phone gun, discovered by Italian police is a great gift for those who are always shooting their mouths off (you saw that coming from a mile away, right? Yeah, yeah…send a letter to the editor!).


And what little girl wouldn’t treasure her first automatic weapon like a “Hello Kitty AK-47?” It’s not a real weapons for sale site, but you can bet this gave someone the idea! See




For the evil side of gift-givers, there’s super-annoyance toys. The first has a listing that reads:

High-Tech Office-Based Prank Device

With the advent of the incessantly beeping and easily concealable Annoy-a-tron, ThinkGeek has ushered in a new era of sophisticated office pranks sure to drive your co-workers bonkers while you snicker silently at your desk. Now the next advanced level in stealthy office joke electronics is ready for your enjoyment. The Phantom Keystroker may look like a harmless usb thumb drive, but it’s actually a devious contraption of unlimited office-based torture. Simply discreetly attach the Phantom Keystroker to any extra USB port on your victim’s computer, no drivers needed.

The Keystroker emulates a keyboard and mouse and periodically makes random mouse movements, toggles caps-lock and types out odd garbage text and phrases. Switches on the side allow you to choose between keyboard garbage typing, caps lock-toggle, annoying mouse movements or all three. An adjustment dial sets the duration between “events”. We recommend you don’t set it too frequently so as to extend the agony. Your hapless co-worker pal will think his computer has been possessed or infected by a destructive virus. As he writhes in anger and furiously dials tech support you can rest easy with a job well done.

The Phantom Keystroker never hits the return key and it never clicks the mouse button. However you should not use it on anyone’s system who is doing critical work where disruption could cause serious consequences. The Phantom Keystroker is a joke, like any joke you need to use prudence and judgement when executing it. 

(There’s a good disclaimer. “Hey, Bob! I just put the High Tech Office-Based Prank Device on Phil’s computer.” “But Jim, doesn’t Phil work on the nuclear missle targeting systems for our entire arsenal?”).


One of my personal favorites use to be pulling a musical birthday card device from the card and hiding it in someone’s office. The battery would let it play for 48 hours. I could even place one in the lining of their coat so it followed them home. It was deliciously evil. Now there’s a device that does the same but has several different sounds that are guaranteed to drive anyone insane. The Annoy-a-Tron is a bargain and hours of fun as you can then visit your victim in the looney bin and plant another one in their straightjacket!


Let’s not forget the pet in our life, although this is more to spy on friends and family members. Not since has a more sneaky thing been marketed under the guise of a “pet toy.” So next time a fiend’s pet is watching you in the bathroom or shower, perhaps you should boot them out of the room. The Digital Collar Camera this lightweight, compact digital camera to your pets collar and explore your pets secret life!

Auto interval settings (1, 5, and 15 minutes). Internal memory stores up to 40 photos. 640 x 480 resolution for 4 x 6 prints. Includes USB cable for uploading photos. PC and Mac Compatible. Includes rechargeable Lithium-ion 100 mAh battery.


For the religiously dedicated soul to file sharing and transport, there’s the cross USB jump drive (see issue Epitaph #2 for other jump drive ideas).cross-usb-drive2And don’t forget the paranoid co-worker who believes other people are using his coffee cup and needs to jelously guard it because they are all against me and who knows what they do with my cup while I’m…oh, um, the mug with the plug that can be removed so no one else can use my, er, your mug. You’ll never have to poison the rim again!



While I doubt that Spongebob could sell Versace to the masses, the English seem to have gone bonkers over the use of Wallace and Grommit in ads for Harvey Nichols. Truly a unique approach!





And sometimes “GUTS” means taking responsibility for something that has gone really wrong. I might understand if this was an ad for a proctologist, but for underwear that won’t “ride up?”



No one knows more than I, the “GUTS” it takes to quit smoking. The old joke goes, “quitting smoking is easy, I’ve done it a hundred times.” Perhaps it’s ads such as these that help the smoker’s journey to freedom.





No sales pitch this issue. No reaching out to get you to consider how The AFTERLIFE is uber-creative or such. Just wishes for a great 2009 for us all. We can only hope that our troubles will start to fade and life and business will begin healing. All of us at The Afterlife wish you a happy New Year and hope to hear from you very soon. Well, I guess this was a bit of a sales pitch. I’ll add being more subtle to my list of resolutions.

Jonathan Schneider – Archangel of Creativity
The Afterlife



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