The AFTERLIFE EPITAPH – Jan. 12th, 2009 #9, Vol.1
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(Print, cut out, run with scissors)
Quotes From the Deceased
“If you’re going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you’re going to be locked up.”
~ Hunter S. Thompson
Eulogy to The AFTERLIFE
“Your new “Afterlife” blog is so AWESOME!!! It’s delightful to read about your innovation searches again. I had missed the quirky things you find and especially the funny writing. You have a amazing eye for researching this stuff.”
Ann Schleihs, Designer/Art Director – Hallmark Cards, Inc.
Glad you like the new blog. I miss doing the !NNOVATION Lounge for Hallmark, but everything must pass on and The AFTERLIFE Epitaph is available to all; Hallmark, American Greetings, Recycled Greetings, Nobleworks, etc. and people who don’t make or even like greeting cards! – JS
The latest innovation for weary travelers has arrived. The next time you fly through Munich and happen to be at Terminal 2, head towards gate H32 and you will see two very interesting-looking cabins with colorful walls and bright touch screens.
The nap cabins (Napcabs) are private mini hotel rooms that were developed by five students for the 2007 Innovation Competition held by the Technical University of Munich.. For 15 Euros per hour (minimum purchase of 30 Euros/2 hours), you can have this travel oasis all to yourself while you wait for the next flight. Close the door behind you and you will immediately shut out the outside world from disturbing your alone time. A comfortable bed awaits you here, along with a mini work station containing two power outlets and a LAN cable to hook up your laptop to the internet.
Another touchscreen inside offers you a number of options. Two options: ‘Relax Yourself’ and ‘Activate Yourself’ immediately alter the room’s atmosphere according to your choice. A hidden mood lighting system by German giant Osram softly changes colours, while a Bach compilation begins to play in the background. Other options on the touch screen allow you to check the status of your flight, listen to music, or watch movies.
You can relax, take your clothes off, and take a nap. Use the touch screen to set an alarm to wake you up and birds begin to chirp at the appointed hour, alerting you that it’s time to get up and catch your flight. The walls serve to block most of the noises around you, with the only noticeable outside activity being the sound of other tired travelers, who have been lured to your cabin, and are mindlessly going through the touch screen outside your cabin before noticing the flashing “Occupied” sign.
It’s my guess that the Napcabs are used for more, er, intimate purposes, too. If they are ever put into airports at Denver or Mexico City, you can join the “mile high club” without ever setting foot on a plane!
These are somewhat akin to the Japanese capsule hotels.
If you are travelling to Tokyo on a budget, think about these “morgue drawer-like” capsules.
A steamy, er, iSteamy application
If you have an iPhone, you need to download this fun and FREE new application called the iSteam Application. Once the app is installed, simply blow into the iPhone’s microphone and the whole screen becomes a foggy dripping wet haze that you can draw or write messages on. As you draw or tilt the iPhone, little water droplets actually form and slide down the screen and it even makes that irritating squeaking rubbing sound as you clear away the steam as well. Just shake the iPhone to clear the screen and you can start over. It’s like you dropped your expensive phone into the toilet…which…never…happens. Right?
Hit ’em where it hurts!
The Cuore is Daihatsu’s most fuel efficient model. To catch driver’s attention, they installed minature gas pumps near Daihatsu dealerships. The flyers in the mini-pumps deliver the message about savings on gas fill-ups and direct them to the nearest dealership to take a test drive.
Ad for Niche – Toys for adults. I know the advertising and movie world makes it look like only supermodels inhabit the planet, but this is too far in the other direction. Don’t remind me of my blind dates! I’d be afraid to go because I might meet her.
The freakiest ad ever seen!
Saatchi & Saatchi Toronto is responsible for this freak-fest.
Simple and VERY effective!
From IMIP in Brazil (via agency Ampla) comes a print campaign that poses men, women and children next to trash cans. It creates a message that makes you think hard about donating your organs.
This ad campaign from Rethink in Vancouver for D&M Publishers, an independent publishing house in Canada uses simple imagery. I’m all for simple and direct…which is why I’m divorced but that’s a story that would fill volumes!
Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Personally, I use Facebook and Twitter to waste my time but these are as cool as they are weird. iPhone apps that are totally useless, which is why they’re so great!
Rimshot & Crickets – free
It might be called Rimshot & Crickets, but my favorite sound in this obnoxious package is the immortal “Sad Trombone.” What boring meeting can’t be livened up by a sad trombone? “Jim, sales figures are down for the year.” Wah-wah-wahaha. “We’re going to have to let you go.” Wah-wah-wahaha. “I can’t come into work today, because a have the plague.” Wah-wah-wahaha. Classic stuff.
Amateur Surgeon – $4.99
Not much is weirder than this hack-’em-open game from TV network Adult Swim. It stars a young pizza delivery boy with a taste for backroom surgical shenanigans, and a range of tools that includes a pizza cutter and a stapler. Just be warned; in accordance with a new iTunes policy, the considerable quantity of cyber blood being splashed about mean this one’s for the over-17s only.
Ocarina – $0.99
Wunerful, wunerful and thenkya, boys! Guitar Hero, eat your heart out. Ocarina offers iPhone owners a real electronic musical instrument to learn. Play by blowing into the microphone, create tunes with your fingers. Iit’s surprising quite how lifelike it feels. You can even record your creations and share them with your friends…who may stop being your friends soon after.
Weird Laws of the World – $0.99
Did you know that it is illegal to carry a rabid dog in a taxicab in the City of London, but they can serve you “Spotted Dick?” No? Now you do; and you also know that you need to bone up on your weird laws trivia. This app lets you do just that, delivering a new weird law to your phone every day, ready for you to bore your friends with. Sounds like my ex’s ambulance-chasing attorney could use this app, along with a degree from a better Caribbean law school. But I digress.
Drunk Dialer – $0.99
Do you enjoy a drink or two or eight? Do you also have a contact list full of your exes? You need this application. It prevents you from making those oh-so-embarrassing boozy, late-night calls to former partners you’d rather forget, by replacing the phone’s dial pad with one that requires you to hold the phone still to use. If you’re swaying, you’re out of luck. If you stand outside their window, singing off key, you’re on your own!
Soul Trapper – $7.99
No, it’s not my ex-wife. She costs much much more than $7.99 (add several zeros on the end). Part adventure, part audio book, this imaginative and lengthy game will take you on a journey through the spirit world. The story is about a series of hauntings in Los Angeles that uses narration and audio games to lead you from one chapter to the next, and it sports some decent voice acting to boot.
RjDj Album – $2.99
Are you ready for something really weird? Again, it has nothing to do with my ex. RjDj uses both microphone and headphones to thrust you into a world where background noise takes on dimensions you’ve never thought possible; like my ex’s screaming and whining…but I digress. RjDj will make your even the most boring of commutes fascinating.
Virtual Zippo Lighter – free
Anti-smoking laws have neutered those epic lighters-in-the-air moments at rock concerts. Fight back with Virtual Zippo Lighter, an authentic recreation of the Zippo experience on your iPhone. You can choose your lighter style, tap the flame, and even blow into the mic to make it sputter.
Theremin – $0.99
Ever heard of a theremin? Created by a Russian inventor who gave his name to the device (his last name is Merman), it’s a non-contact electronic musical instrument; you play it by waving your arms at it. Although it sounds comically doofus, its otherworldly tones made it a staple of movie soundtracks, and now you can try it on your iPhone. No, it doesn’t work quite the same way, but by waving your iPhone in just the right way, you can generate quite a passable imitation of what’s perhaps the weirdest of all instruments.
Cartoonizeme – $0.99
Is your iPhone photo roll full of boring shots of your friends and family? Please don’t write in and tell us or e-mail them! Cartoonizeme lets you liven them up with a few choice edits: a moustache here, a pair of comedy glasses there, an obnoxious birthday message in a garish font to finish up. No Photoshop or good taste required.
Hold On! – free
How long can you press a button? Who really cares! But, for those of you who do because this app is free, Hold On! lets you find out: there’s nothing else to do except hold down a big button. Why would anybody want to do such a thing? No idea, but if you were looking for Most Useful iPhone Apps, you came to the wrong place. Perhaps the weirdest thing about it is that Apple has it listed in the “Productivity” category. Weird!
Will the iPhone lose out to the LG 3G Watch Phone?
I don’t carry a watch anymore and the same goes for a growing number of people. The time is right on my phone. But you have to pull it out and look at it. That’s the idea behind the LG’s long-anticipated, 3G-capable watch phone, set for release this year—but just in Europe.
LG’s Touch Watch Phone (a.k.a., the LG-GD910) is apparently still in testing, it is, however, slated to go on sale “sometime” this year.
That’s the good news. The bad news? The LG-GD910 (no pricing details yet) is only going retail in Europe, leaving North American Dick Tracy fans in the lurch, at least for now.
That said, on with the details: LG claims that the 13.9mm-thick GD910 boasts a curved tempered glass face and “high quality” metal casing—so no, we’re not talking a black plastic calculator watch with a zillion buttons.
The 1.43-inch touch display is icon-based and Flash-powered, and under the hood is quad-band GSM for world calling and 7.2Mbps HSDPA for video telephone over the built-in camera.
Other features: Voice commands, either with or without a Bluetooth headset; text-to-speech for reading text messages to you aloud; a music player (I’m guessing video wouldn’t be too satisfying on the 1.43-inch screen), a built-in speaker, and stereo Bluetooth support.
OK, so LG’s Touch Watch Phone doesn’t sound terribly practical; still, I can’t wait to get my hands (er, wrist) on it and try it on for size.
Heartbreaking because I didn’t think of it!
We’ve given kudos to the folks at Despair.com before, but their latest initiative is pure brilliance! Here it is in their own words:
When cruelty and holidays collide, the weak-willed find solace in self-pity and comfort foods. And now, Despair Inc. is pleased to announce that we’ve combined BOTH into a radical new offering.
Introducing Bittersweets® – The Valentine’s Candy for the Rest of Us.
Like the ubiquitous candy conversation hearts, Bittersweets® are made of flavored, chalky-tasting sugar and sport a message on their face. But unlike other candy hearts, ours are stamped with bitter musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will spend the holiday alone, or wishing they were.
Messages recalling an almost forgotten, unbearably painful memory of being dumped. Or perhaps of a dysfunctional, psychotic ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Or of that cruel-hearted girl (or boy) in elementary school who rejected your valentine solicitations, informing you that Jake (or Holly) was “so totally way hotter.”
Now available in THREE unique collections- “Dejected”, “Dysfunctional”, and “Dumped”– with each featuring up to 37 unique sayings each!
“Dejected” sayings include:
I MISS MY EX | PEAKED AT 17 | MAIL ORDER | TABLE FOR 1
I CRY ON Q | U C MY BLOG? | LOSS LEADER | A FINE WHINE
MOMMY ISSUES | DIGNITY FREE | DORK MAGNET | PURE NAUSEA
WE HAD PLANS | MAIL ORDER | SETTLE 4LESS | I’M HOT INSIDE
“Dysfunctional” sayings include:
ANNULMENT | I BEEN CREEPIN | HE CAN LISTEN | GAME ON TV
CALL A 900# | P.S. I LUV ME | DO MY DISHES | BOOTY INFL8N
PAROLE IS UP! | AWFUL INLAWS | SUB PRIME | I WANT HALF
RETURN 2 PIT | NO FIX 4 DUMB | RATHER DRINK | MUTUAL DISGUST
“Dumped” sayings include:
I GOT SOBER | HE FIT U FAT | U LEFT SEATUP | USED U 4 FUN
JUST A FRIEND | BACK 2 KENNEL | DORKA PHOBIC | U HAVE A BLOG
RUSSIAN BRIDE | CELEB8 THX2U | DOG IS CUTER | TRADIN YOU IN
FORGET WE MET | KISS A FROG | SHE IS 22! | HE HAS A JOB
Truly, Bittersweets® are the perfect gift for you OR for someone you love, especially if that special someone is one who doesn’t want to hurt your feelings but just doesn’t feel that way about you but still wants to be friends so they can torment you with stories about their crushes on someone who doesn’t appreciate them like you do, can’t love them like you can, and actually takes pleasure in corralling a herd of fawning “just friends” behind themselves as they indulge in one self-destructive relationship after another, with no hope of ever finding true love, despite an army of souls eager to lavish it upon them.
(You know what we’re talking about)
Supplies are limited. But the pain that accompanies them may not be.
CLICK HERE for Despair
Here’s their pitch…
Welcome to The iTie – iTies are made from the highest quality 100% pure silk.
The iTie is changing the way people wear neckties, one tie at a time! The patented design features a hidden pocket on the back of the necktie which attaches to two buttons on the wearer’s dress shirt keeping the tie in perfect position. In the concealed pocket, one can store:
Business Cards/Credit Cards/Money
iPod or MP3 Player – Speaker wires can be concealed and worn under the dress shirt with ear pieces coming out of the shirt’s collar.
Building Access Card/Work ID’s
Chewing Gum/Breath Mints
Or anything else you can think of that will fit!
A larger version of the iTie pocket will be available for The iPhone/Blackberry/and other larger devices.
Okay, personal observation time. I never wear a tie clip because the pulling of the shirt and tie is a pain in the neck…literally! Add the weight of an iPod or the bulk of a pack of cigarettes (like no one will notice that bulge in your tie) and you will look like people who wear those umbrella rain hats (practical, yes, but just too freaky to wear).
Sometimes there are just innovations, like the electric spaghetti turning fork, that have to be put away. Judge for yourself…http://www.theitie.com/
The iBoxer is a coin-operated amusement machine with an iPhone-style design intended for use in modern clubs and pubs. It has a little punching bag where you can vent all your alcohol-induced anger. The machine looks like a really large iPhone with a bitten logo, obviously based on Apple’s design. The machine only comes in black or white and is generated tremendous buzz, sparking interest to play with the newest technological innovations.
The Kriss-Sport iBoxer is fully weatherproof and is equipped with high-quality stereo MP3 sound-system, wide demo program (music plus illuminations), an OLED back-light and LED lighting which makes for low-power consumption (only 35W). The iBoxer can be equipped with a coin acceptor, bill acceptor or an SMS payment acceptor, and additional ticket dispenser.
I keep telling clients that anything that has to do with cell phones or cell phone technology is the key to success. The cell phone is the future in communications, information, internet, retail, entertainment, social expression and…talking to others! We here at The AFTERLIFE love to work with this technology to create new and different initiatives for our clients. Get in touch with us and let’s see what we can do for you!
Just use the ouija board in the SEANCE section to send us a good, old fashioned e-mail.
And with the last of the iThings stories…iDone with this issue!
Jonathan Schneider – Archangel of Creativity