The AFTERLIFE EPITAPH – Jan. 19th, 2009 #10, Vol. 1


A very happy and thoughtful MLK Day to all. His vision and persistence remind us all in these uncertain times, that we cannot be complaisant. We must struggle and fight and keep reaching for what may seem impossible, rather than improbable. We must accept the darkest times before we see the light, but that time will come. Like our fathers and mothers and their parents before them, we will overcome the fear and the terror. We will subdue the beast that claws at us so our children will not know that fear and they will live in the light, faces to the sun, and smile.


Quotes from the deceased

“I have a dream.”

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

(For full speech text and video, CLICK HERE)


Eulogy to The AFTERLIFE

“Super Cool!” – Russell Calabrese, Director – Nickelodeon Animation Studios

A man of few words and many talents! But we do have a ten word minimum on all eulogies, so please allow the editing:

“Super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super Cool!”

Why thank you, Russell! Oh, how you do go on! – JS


P.S. – the dog is dead and so is the bird

After making a budgerigar brassiere from the feathers of two deceased pets, Sydney-based artist Emily Valentine Bullock began creating these dogs using plumage from dead birds.

Her collection features bizarre creations such as a Loridoodle and a pair of Budgie Chihuahuas.

Over the last ten years, the artist has developed her technique fashioning these colorful canines from feathers from various sources including road kill, cat kill and dead pets.

The artist has recently moved to a new source of feathers: the Indian Mynah bird, which she traps in a special cage before gassing them with a car exhaust.

While the use of these feathers may be controversial, the Indian Mynah bird is a registered pest in Australia.

“In my work I wish to discuss how attitudes to wearing animals and birds parts have changed. Is this just because of fashion, or has society become more caring of animals? I wish to stimulate the viewer with the uncomfortable nature of the feather, to question our callousness treatment of animals and birds, and ask how we sub-consciously classify animals – pet or pest, valued or worthless, beautiful or plain and why.”









The ever-escalating iPhone mania still surprises me, but I do love this amazingly well-executed iPhone cake. All the features and icons look so much like the real deal. It is so cute I could just eat it. I guess that is the point.

The other hardware cakes are amazing too. The laptop and Helio cake are terrific and your dentist will appreciate you using these delectable items. They are so over-the-top it is hilarious. It’s enough to inspire me to put my apron on and get baking! Almost enough.





Nick and Danielle Bilton’s clever iPhone cupcakes took first prize at the Cupcake Design Competition on September 15. The design competition was a part of Ignite NYC. These images, as captured by Bre Pettis, show an astoundingly realistic iteration of the famous home screen of the iPhone.

These iPhone cupcakes have all 12 buttons reproduced in 100% edible form. Delicious but don’t use your fingers to press the buttons!





I should actually say, “the Action-Figure-In-Chief.”



Modeled after the now famous design of some hack who just ran a photo through the Photoshop posterize filter, these are available from Jail Break Toys.

Sold out for now, more will hit the internet site. Get yours before the new president starts making progress and prices, er, drop?!


Set phasers on…stupid!

As if there weren’t enough useless merchandise for those with no lives, living in their parent’s basement; now comes the Kilngon Alphabet Keyboard.

$65 buys this item, but can one put a price on being the first one on your block to own this? Or, the only one on your block to own this?




GUTsy recall!

If you own a “I heart guts – Plush Uterus,” please be aware of a recall. It seems young children can choke on the ovaries. I can’t say that’s ironic, but it’s something!





Burger virgins and Burger sluts!

Burger King recently ran their “Burger Virgin” campaign in which they gave Whoppers and McDonald’s Big Macs to test subjects around the world who had never tasted a burger (or had clogged arteries, strokes or suffered from obesity). While BK thought it would create a buzz of discussion, pop jokes and self-administered tests, it is reported that it all flopped as no one truly believed these subjects could differentiate a Whopper from a cow pie sandwich on two planks of wood.


Two thumbs down for BK, who should have used at least the humor Quizno’s used several years ago in their competition with Subway (test subjects were offered Subway sandwiches brimming with cash vs. a plain Quizno’s sandwich, Quizno’s sandwiches were placed in a guillotine while testers report “wouldn’t touch Quizno’s sandwich!”).


Kudos for Arby’s and their porny commercial where the man lies on the bed, shouting to the wife who insists she is only fulfilling his birthday wishes and appears from the bathroom dressed as a Arby’s counterperson, holding her man’s favorite meal. After dinner treats are, of course, left to your imagination.



Who? Why? Because!

I fully admit to being a Dr. Who fan. I have a Dalek on my desk and…well, it gets boring from this point, but the newest MUST HAVE for fans of the Dr. is the Dalek Cell Phone Charm.

Just hang one off your jacket, computer bag, navel ring, etc., and any time you get a call on your cell phone, your very own imprisoned Dalek will spin around and little lights will flash near its base. It’s just that simple. So, anytime you have to leave your cell phone on “silent,” just watch your Dalek to see if you have an incoming call. Then answer, “ex-term-in-ate!”




The Epitaph sinks to a new low

Yes, it’s pretty randy, but as so many wrote us to say how much they enjoyed the “Jump Drive issue,” we just had to include these jump drives.

The dogs have a peculiar naughtiness whenever they spy a free USB port. They…well…they sort of, kind of, um… “go to town,” if you will and they won’t stop until you um…separate them from the source of their affections.





I dream of sushi

And if you do, too, then why not enjoy the latest piece of the plush craze and get a sushi pillow?!



These Sushi pillows are hand made in the USA (a real rarity these days) by people who really really like Sushi.

Choose the delightful Shrimp Nigiri… or go for the delicious Salmon. There’s even a giant green Edamame for you to cuddle up with. But be warned, the chopsticks are the size of a truck!



Go fuji yourself!

Japanese is a very hard language for foreigners to learn. One wrong inflection and you are telling people to set themselves on fire instead of asking for the restroom. That’s why this tome is perfect for those about to visit the land of the rising sun.


Apparently there’s a lot you can say in Japanese using just your hands, nose, arms, and other forms of suggestive “body” language. This whimsical look at Japan’s “language of no language” introduces 70 gestures that will help you hurl insults, flirt, agree, excuse yourself, cross the street, and even make promises…wordlessly!

Some are deadly, some practical, some wacky, but all are genuine and used today on the streets of Japan, at home, and in manga and anime. Finally, a way to tell someone at a loud party, “Hey! Your underwear is showing!” in four easy hand motions! 70 Japanese Gestures is an excellent instruction book for students of Japanese, language teachers, business negotiators, and cross-cultural observers. Fully indexed and illustrated.



More sabotage!

Personally, I love sabotage marketing. It’s the practice of using an existing ad (usually a billboard and using it to build on your message). It’s pretty much impossible to get a publication to agree to help you do it (but it can be done slyly and effectively) but billboards are another story.

Here’s some fun examples:










Tomorrow, Barak Obama is sworn in as our next president. So far, he has shown innovative use of the internet for fundraising and initiative and forethought in how to deal with the problems we face as a nation and a member of a world community. We here at The AFTERLIFE believe bold innovation is the key to boosting your product and services. Contact us to discuss new ways of pushing you forward in these times of struggle and we’ll find new ways for you to succeed!

Jonathan Schneider – Archangel of Creativity









One Response to “The AFTERLIFE EPITAPH – Jan. 19th, 2009 #10, Vol. 1”

  1. Those plush sushi are awesome! Thanks for having the guts to be the only person I’ve seen point out that image of Obama is circa 1998 posterize filter. I’m totally unsharp masking him for some press…

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