Archive for the The Epitaph Category

People’s favorite food…FREE!

Posted in The Epitaph with tags , , on November 14, 2009 by Speider

One of my first jobs in an office taught me that the communal refrigerator isn’t a great test of the honors system. All during my first week, someone helped themselves to my lunch. It was a small office but a question of where my lunch had gone was only met by shrugs from coworkers. Marking the lunch bag with my name didn’t help. Using an old Underdog lunch box didn’t work. It wasn’t by mistake my lunch disappeared. The next week, when my lunch disappeared again, I announced we would all know the culprit in half an hour because I had loaded it with rat poison. A coworker jumped up and screamed and was rushed to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. My lunch was never stolen again because I was fired even though I hadn’t really poisoned my lunch.

There were two things I learned from that episode. Firstly, that the theft of lunch is not a felony, so being caught carries no punishment and, secondly, it’s pretty funny to watch someone who thinks they’ve been poisoned.

There are products to aid the sorry coworker who trusts his/her lunch will be safe from overeating office rats. The Atomic Bowl set, which we’ve spotlighted before, is cute but not enough of a threat to stop those with hunger pangs when it comes to having their second or third lunch.


I’d like to think that a lunch that appears rotten and infested would deter people but let’s face it, we all have had coworkers who seem to prefer aged foods as long as it’s free. Also spotlighted before, the rotting food lunch bags, pre-printed with mold spots might keep out first level snack snitches but there are diners that serve food less fresh than these bags make your sandwich appear.


Let’s face facts — there is only two things that will stop a thieving hungry coworker — poisoned…no, that doesn’t work. One is having your own mini fridge in your cubicle, but that is usually against company power regulations and fire laws. The other is your own lockdown cell for your felonious lunch.


Whatever level of security you need, has them all. These products remind us of the evolution in security, forced by the de-evolution of society and the rules that protect our daily bodily fuel. The need and the solution. Another  great innovation! I’d like to think the rumored poisoned sandwich is the next level of innovation and I was just years ahead of my time.



Happy Birthday…to us!

Posted in The Epitaph on November 1, 2009 by Speider

Our first year in business and we are so happy that things have gone so well. From our happy but odd staff to our satisfied clients and curious blog readers, we thank you for a great year and hope there will be many more!



(These aren’t the cakes we had but they would have been too cool to eat – we enjoyed my niece’s Halloween cupcakes and leftover bags of candy not given to trick or treaters).



Posted in The Epitaph with tags , , on October 26, 2009 by Speider

And Burger King figures out another way to stop the burger wars…and your heart with the leventeengybillion calories. The Windows 7 Burger, which had to be approved by some hopefully former employee of Microsoft has got to be more for visual effect because you should only eat one of these as you plummet from the highest building you can, savoring the fat level that might actually kill you before you hit the pavement. Either way, it’s a suicide burger.


Maybe Microsoft just wants to decimate the foreign markets so Microsoft can take over the world? Too late!


Food for thought

Posted in The Epitaph with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 28, 2009 by Speider

We’ve said it a million times (well, a few times on this blog) — check into everything you put out there! Packaging with slang that might not read just right in a foreign market, promotions that will go wrong and alienate customers and the ever popular, check your fulfillment capabilities before you attempt to distribute something you promise consumers.

With that said, here’s some more famous blunders that no one checked.

In recent news you may have heard about McDonald’s in Japan giving away 10,000 MP3 players, fully loaded with 10 free songs. Problem is, many of them were also loaded with a Trojan virus that captured user info and sent it to hackers the minute it was plugged into a computer, sending all personal information to those hackers. No one was “lovin’ it!”

Not to be outdone in bad taste, Burger King foolishly ran an ad for their new Texican Burger. “The taste of Texas and a little, spicy Mexican” – and they do mean little. The ad for the new product ran only briefly in Spain and the United Kingdom before the Mexican government demanded it be pulled. Seems they don’t like having their countrymen depicted as three-foot-tall wrestlers who wear the Mexican flag as a cape. Winner of the major “DUH!” award.


The folks at Pepsi pooped out recently. Pepsi offered to give away 250 pairs of Yankee Stadium opening day tickets. But when the Pepsi reps showed up in Times Square, instead of the 250 pairs of the promised tickets, they showed up with just 100 sets and most were for a game in June. As one would expect, this basically led to a mob scene, with angry fans yelling “Pepsi sucks!” and pouring cans of soda out on the street. Sounds like fans were coked up!


The Dominos keep falling one after another for Domino’s Pizza. After two moronic employees posted videos of themselves treating customer’s orders like they treated their own careers, causing massive expenditures for spin doctors to revive the brand, Domino’s offered free pizzas to anyone that types in the code “bailout.” Only problem is the promotion hadn’t actually been approved before the code got out and 11,000 free pies were given out. Company reps blamed the error on a computer glitch, or hackers. But Domino’s actually looked pretty good after this one for honoring the giveaway. One of the few companies that take it like a man…with extra cheese!


Norwegian McDonald’s restaurants had the bright idea to name a burger after a place where millions of people were facing starvation. Reps said the McAfrika Sandwich (there’s trouble brewing there in the name alone) was based on an authentic African recipe (sure it was) but that didn’t stop many in Norway from accusing McDonald’s of extreme insensitivity. McDonald’s considered donating proceeds to famine relief, but ended up allowing relief agencies to place collection boxes in participating restaurants. Stay tuned for the McSwineflu Rib Sandwich!


A recent online promotion from Carl’s Jr. (also known as Hardee’s in some states) for a free $2.75 “Famous Star” hamburger coupon went a little too viral. 276 winning contestants were texted a passcode and a 48-hour-only URL where they could download their coupon. And as the saying goes, they told two friends…who each told two friends…and so on…and so on. A day later, hundreds of websites were posting the URL and passcode, and the company had to shut down the promotion. Apparently viral isn’t always a good thing.


It seems a simple process but promotions take research, planning and experts to back it up and tie it together. Here at The AFTERLIFE, we also consult on your ideas to take them further, or hold them back a bit. Our teams are experienced with major national campaigns and initiatives, so why throw away money on an idea that just may need a little tweaking…or major project management?



Bag this garbage!

Posted in The Epitaph with tags , , , , , , on September 26, 2009 by Speider

We love brilliant thought and the works by this artist, Joshua Allen Harris, is uber-brilliant! Form, function and art for the common man/woman. Inspiring!


Products with real conviction!

Posted in The Epitaph with tags , , , , on September 21, 2009 by Speider


Some Florida minimum-security inmates want to know: Can you handle the heat?

Hot sauce heat, that is — Jail House Fire Hot Sauce, cooked up by inmates at the Hillsborough County Jail and now offered for sale. The idea to make Jail House Fire Hot Sauce came from a Cuban former inmate who thought food in the big house was bland. Allen Boatman, the head of the jail’s horticulture program, remembers what his former trusty said: “We’re growing these peppers. Why don’t we use them?”

Peppers are grown as part of the jail’s horticulture program, which is voluntary and offered only to minimum-security trusties. The inmates learn about growing plants, ornamentals, trees, herbs and vegetables — including more than 1,200 varieties of peppers.

“I thought that was a great idea, so I started doing research on some of the recipes,” says Boatman. The research led to a variety of hot sauces that can be bought for $7 a bottle at the jail in Tampa, Florida, or online at

There are three different sauces for sale:

“No Escape” — This is the hottest of the hot, with a warning on the hot sauce’s Web site: “It’s not for the faint of stomach.”

“Smoke” — This is the sauce that inmate Marshall Deline recommends. “It’s not as hot,” Deline says, “it’s more of a smoky flavor.”

“Original” — This is the favorite of customer Bill Bradley, who has used hot sauce on his foods for 49 years. “All three are distinctive,” says Bradley, who considers himself somewhat of a hot sauce expert. “The ‘Smoke’ is a chipotle type, the ‘Original’ has a good bite but has a little bit of a fruity taste. And, of course, the ‘No Escape’ is on fire.”

Coming soon is a fourth sauce: Misdemeanor.

The inmates make no money from this product. The money goes back into an inmate fund that pays for things like the greenhouse where the peppers are grown. The horticulture program pays for itself, says Boatman, so no taxpayer money is used.

So, order your bottle or bottles now before this opportunity ESCAPES you!


Driving on the sun?

Posted in The Epitaph with tags , , , , on September 8, 2009 by Speider

Scott Brusaw wants to pave our streets with solar panels. It’s not as crazy as it seems. The plan is to replace asphalt with an integrated network of solar panels that people can drive on. Not only would Solar Roadways replace our current fossil-fuel-intensive asphalt and concrete paved surfaces, but they could essentially replace the power grid itself. Imagine a world without coal-fired power plants, without obnoxious power lines, without smog – a world where the very road you drive on pollution-free supplies everything from on demand power for your electric vehicle and your home to high-speed internet and cable TV service – all with clean “green” energy from the sun. We know, it sounds crazy, but Scott is perfectly sane – we promise. Take a look for yourself at his website.

Watch an interview and video of his brilliant idea.