The AFTERLIFE EPITAPH – Feb. 23rd, 2009 #15, Vol.1

It seems The AFTERLIFE Epitaph is gaining quite a few links to the items we cover. We have scooped several large, well-known blogs (obamagab.com is a real surprise!) and are getting some kudos. There is no greater compliment (except the e-mails we receive from readers, naturally) then to have our work linked to other blogs. We’re even getting press releases on new products and services people want included on The Epitaph. When oh when will the graft and other tangible bribes start pouring in?

We hope you enjoy the items we find here and there and consider us your first source of research on new media, technology, trends, products and other absurdities. We always welcome submissions if you see something you feel is worth sharing with our clients and readers. As always, keep those e-mails coming in. Really complimentary messages will be treated as eulogies for all to see.

Ouija link to The AFTERLIFE

Quotes from the deceased

“Madness is a very healthy sickness. If it were not for my madness, I would have gone insane long ago.”

~ Brother Theodore

Eulogy to The AFTERLIFE

“Your Epitaph is wonderfully rich both graphically and in ideas, even as it makes my old brain fuzz over.” – Stan Mack, Cartoonist

Pulp friction

Here at The AFTERLIFE, we are HUGE fans of die cuts and paper engineering for print projects. There is nothing more captivating than a brochure, flyer or package with shapes and, even better, automation.

Matthew Hawkins, an old cohort from Hallmark Cards, is the master of paper engineering! His company, Custom Paper Toys, is doing gangbusters and it couldn’t happen to a more talented guy. 

The Epitaph is into spotlighting the best of creativity and these pieces, which are art AND fun, show true genius and innovation. Did we mention Matthew is a fan of The Epitaph? Add good taste to his credits!

Here are some Fathers Day greeting card concepts Matthew did about a year ago when he was still under the employ of Hallmark Cards. They were little pop-out and assemble paper toys. The card fronts looked like product boxes and the insides looked like an old model kit. Unfortunately, they were never produced.
©HMK

The car and the grill opened up to reveal a little message. 
©HMK 

Here is a 3D paper automata he made for the 100 Beasts show at Giant Robot in San Francisco.

The arms, legs, ears, tails and hats all have the same size tabs so they can be put in any slot and the heads are also interchangeable. 

 An Ebay/Disney promotion. 

A papertoy/illustration Matthew did for Newsweek.

The Obama paper toy.

Bound for Del Tacos kid’s meals.

Here is the cover of Matthew’s new book “Urban Paper” from F&W publications. You can order it from Amazon or through Matthew’s blog.

Landmark decision

Michael Hughes loves to travel and visit the world’s most famous landmarks. He also loves to take creative, quirky pictures in which he replaces these monuments with cheap souvenirs.

Hughes started this hobby back in 1998 and has accumulated a rich collection of over 100 fun images using this blending technique in 200 countries he visited.

From a plastic Eiffel Tower, to a coffee cup showing the Statue of Liberty, and a souvenir fridge magnet of the Golden Gate Bridge. His creativity has no limits.

“I noticed coffee cups from a shop near the Statue of Liberty had the statue printed on, so I poured my drink on the floor, and positioned it in front of the statue,” Michael explained how he discovered this technique.

“Since then, taking the pictures has developed into a hobby and a passion to the point where I have been taking trips recently just to photograph a souvenir next to its landmark.”

They’ve got it covered

If you ever wondered what it would be like to walk on sunshine without exploding into gamma rays, Swedish manufacturer Bolon offers you the chance to find out; no tricks, no hidden lighting, just their 2009 Twilight collection with its shiny twist.

The radiant, woven vinyl flooring benefits from a unique production process and 50 years of know-how. The cutting edge design is made of a top layer, in this case a special metallic weave, fused with a rear coating, which consists of PVC and an integrated layer of non-woven glass fiber. Balancing classic and modern, the floor creates interesting shades and adds depth to the room, evoking an atmosphere of dusk.

There is, of course, a variety of older but equally fabulous collections, though Twilight stands out for its mysterious impression and shimmering mood. From a more practical point of view, this is probably the end to stumbling on shadow furniture and loose items.

Twilight is a collection of shimmering woven metallic floors that come in three different qualities with different colors and structures. The muted colors provide the floor with a deep and exclusive impression that intensifies the contrasts in the room. Inviting, challenging and full of surprises.  Have you guessed this description was lifted entirely from their web site…except for the busting into gamma rays part?

Grounded ideas!

Some innovative rugs.

Tasteless tattoos

There are literally thousands of possible designs for a tattoo, and it seems as though people are always finding new places to put them. The new trend in the world of tattoos is to get permanent ink on your tongue.

The most popular designs for tongue tattoos are moons and stars, tribal and Celtic designs, and patterns that cover the tongue entirely. Although I suspect that some of the tattoos in the gallery may be the product of digital manipulation, the effect of seeing these images is just the same.

Spotlight on Sprint

Sprint hits us with another animated glow light commercial.

A small feat

Is it real or a miniature? It’s a few simple Photoshop steps for a unique effect!

Here’s how to do it…

You’re un-welcome!

Not only funny, the un-welcome mat keeps you from buying over-priced cookies from adolescent hawkers.

An art piece and unfortunately not usable as an actual doormat, this political piece by Wendy Cook, is comprised of little, plastic, green army men. It evokes, according to the artist, the plastic grass welcome mats so iconic to American doorsteps.

Bacon products sizzle!

Nothing makes one want to run to the nearest restroom to floss his/her teeth like the taste of pork. That is exactly what this special bacon-flavored dental floss offers: a mouth-watering, crispy, grease-soaked fried bacon taste for a teeth flossing experience that can only be described as…breakfasty.

And why stop there? Take that bacon goodness into the shower with bacon soap…

And dress for success with a bacon scented suit, bacon and egg cufflinks, bacon wallet, load up your bacon briefcase with bacon bandages and finish your day with baconwrapped turkey, a little bacon – maple lollipops or bacon-chocolate bars and bacon flavored vodka!

Your pet will “tank” you!

Why settle for a regular cat house (hmmm, that didn’t sound right) when you can have the meanest pet on the block? Heavily arm your feline with these uniques paper pet houses which you order from Suck UK and slap together yourself (then go on a job interview with “weapons specialist” added to your resumé). Retailing for the price of 15 British pounds, or roughly $30 USD. You don’t even have to name your cat “Patton,” but it might help!

As odd as we feel spotlighting bacon-themed products, it goes to show you that there are ideas in every possible thing. How else can you explain fake dog doody?

At The AFTERLIFE, we have a collection of screwball creatives with innovative ideas and a track record of excellence. Think about it and give us a fry…er, try (sorry! Bacon items on the brain).

Jonathan Schneider – Archangel of Creativity
The AFTERLIFE 

 

 

iPhone gets your iLegs broken!

Here at The AFTERLIFE, we’d rather not see our readers and clients too soon, so perhaps we should warn you away from our favorite techno-gadget and the basho-beating you will get from the latest app.

Las Vegas casino operators are on the lookout for blackjack cheaters using a card-counting iPhoneapplication designed to help players win.

Nevada State gaming control officials have sent warnings to casinos about card-counting software that turns iPhone smart mobile telephones or iPod Touch MP3 players into illegal tools forbeating the odds at blackjack tables.

“Once this program is installed on the phone through the iTuneswebsite it can make counting cards easy,” Nevada gaming control board member Randall Sayre wrote in a February 5 letter to casino operators.

“When the program is used in the ‘Stealth Mode‘ the screen of the phone will remain shut off, and as long as the user knows where the keys are located the program can be run effortlessly without detection.”

Players using the program simply tap a virtual button on the screen each time a card 10 or higher is turned up and tap a different button for lower-value cards.

A mini-software program continually updates a “true count,” which with one peek can provide feedback regarding a player’s chances of winning by getting cards with total values that are closest to 21 points without exceeding that amount.

Nevada officials said they were tipped that players in American Indian-run casinos in Northern California have been using the card-counting software on the popular Apple devices.

It is illegal in Nevada to have or use card-counting gadgets in casinos, but players are allowed to try to keep count in their heads.

So, skip the app and stick with a real live autistic savant!

The AFTERLIFE EPITAPH – Feb. 16th, 2009 #14, Vol.1

The AFTERLIFE Epitaph is published every Monday. Don’t miss and issue or you might have to scroll down a bit!

Happy President’s Day to the guys on the money. Gone but not forgotten. The presidents, I mean…maybe.

Quotes from the deceased

Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things… they push the human race forward, and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

~ Steve Jobs

(Okay, so Jobs is still alive…for now!) – JS

Eulogy to The AFTERLIFE

“I just caught up on the Epitaph.  I had missed a few weeks. You really are an evil genius.” – Robyn M. Feller – Writer, Editor, Researcher, One Smart Feller Editorial Services

Aw, shucks! No one ever used the word, “genius” for me before. -JS

Zum-thing really great!

Zumbox is an interesting e-mail start-up based on the company’s capability to create an electronic mailbox for every residential physical address in the United States.

The idea is that companies that send our paper statements–banks, utility companies, and so on–can now send those documents electronically. The benefits include lower environmental impact, security, and archivability of the messages. More importantly, service providers already know their customers’ physical addresses. They can start delivering messages to users immediately, instead of trying to gather their customers’ e-mail coordinates.

To sign up for the service, consumers go to Zumbox, enter their physical address, and then wait for a physical letter to arrive with their Zumbox PIN. That closes the loop between online user and home address, and is used to unlock their electronic mailbox.

Billing companies don’t have to wait for consumers to connect to the service before they start using it. The idea is that they just start sending their electronic print runs of bills and such to Zumbox, which then files messages in mailboxes waiting for consumers to activate their accounts.

Once customers sign into an account, they can then–for each biller sending them statements–optionally turn off the paper delivery they’ve been getting. Zumbox can alert users’ preexisting e-mail accounts when they have new statements ready for them.

The consumer advantage over getting regular e-mail from a biller? It’s a central, secure clearinghouse for bills, and it’s archived at the Zumbox site. For the biller, the big advantage, as I said, is setup, since they already know their customers’ physical addresses.

 

A load of Bushido!

 It is a little known fact that Samurai also carried umbrellas. Much as they later had to disguise their swords as canes, so they disguised their umbrellas as swords. In fact, there was one skilled umbrella maker who all the Samurai relied on for their Sword Handle Umbrellas. His name has been buried in the sands of time, but his plans have been preserved. And now, it is with great pleasure that we offer to you, the “Samurai Sword Handle Umbrella.”

Glide it out of its nylon sheath. Hold it by its space-age plastic handle. Feel the balance. This is the umbrella you never knew you always wanted. No one will mess with you with this slung across your back, and even the rain will shudder when you pull it out. For, apart from looking unbelievably awesome, the “Samurai Sword Handle Umbrella” is a dang fine umbrella. It will keep you dry and the envy of your friends. Precipitation doesn’t stand a chance! 

See the light

Forget lamps. Forget mood lighting. Forget wall decoration. Forget…uh, I forgot. They only take up space, and sooner or later, you get tired of looking at them. The dutch designer, Jonas Samson, has come up with a better idea. His design, the light emitting wallpaper, solves the question of mood lighting and decoration. The device can also be turned off, so it can look like average wallpaper.

Imagine billboards, bus signs, etc. being made with this technology!?

A font of knowledge!

The AFTERLIFE is one of those places where we try to collect every font in creation. We’ve seen it all, or so we thought. Here’s a few we didn’t expect.

Fans of political figures and those who wish to forge checks for Harry Truman’s account will be happy to know there is also a new line of presidential handwriting fonts. Politician identity theft just got a whole lot easier!

And now, fans of the old fontographer application, there’s a free app for creating fonts you can get online. check out http://fontstruct.fontshop.com/

USB-spectin’ more jump drives?

Well, then why settle for just a regular 2GB storage device when it also has built in mini Post It notes, and can store up to 100 mini Post It sheets.

Yes, play with your food!

Everybody remembers Wooly Willy (sometimes known as Dapper Dan) – that bald little fellow with all the iron filings that you could drag into really bad hairdos!

Well Dan is now in a new home on a Food Face plate, made from hotel-quality, food-safe, high-fire ceramics. So now you can play with your food and give Willy/Dan a whole new look. Bring on the mash-potatoes and peas…the possibilities are endless! Just be careful with the sausages…there may be kids around.

Owies get some ZOWIE!

The major change in bandages over the past few decades have only been in the material from which they are made and the addition of licensed characters to make them more badges of honor to kids (and some adults…or so I hear, ahem!)

Well move over little pink strips! Available here and there on the web, there are some great, die-cut bandages that will make even the sanest person start cutting themselves on purpose (not just screwed up teenagers!).

(A note to AFTERLIFE staff: as of tomorrow, there will be no more Exacto knive allowed in the office).

Don’t bug me!

People will stop and do a double take when you pass by wearing these ear buds! So what if people think you have flies crawling out of your ears? Why listen to good music with the same ordinary, boring ear buds that everyone else uses? Stand out! Put the “STINK” in diSTINCtive!

Compatible with devices with a standard 3.5 mm headphone socket. Works with MP3 Players, PDA, Portable gaming systems and laptop computers.

When it’s time to ring in a new era

If you’ve ever felt that watches are just too chunky for your delicate wrists, then this is a concept you will be looking out for: the Digitus ring. Designed by Charles Windlin, this smart piece of jewelry incorporates 1710 micro-spheres consisting of part magnetic and part decorative material.

The Digitus ring can thus be turned towards any direction and still display the time to its delighted holder. Additional data that may be generated on the innovative display include personal calendar information or even the artsy pattern of your preference. Imagine your company logo and message programed into this ring!

This book is a scam!

We’ve all gotten the pleas from Africa that we can get millions of dollars by working with some attorney who represents some dead family that left their money to someone with our name (for the life of me, I don’t know what family would share the name The AFTERLIFE, but apparently there are LOTS of them!)

The book “Cry for Help: 36 Scam email messages from Africa,” by Henning Wagenbreth, documents several horror stories experienced by people who had bad enough judgment to fall for such scams.

Wagenbreth adds illustrations to 36 of his favourite e-mail hoaxes, thereby turning them into rather twisted works of art!

Bjork-ing up the wrong tree.

While the headline has nothing to do with this story about a Swedish direct mail campaign, I had to do it because I might never get a chance for a Swedish pun ever again.

When Swedish real estate firm, Christer Magnusson opened a new office outside Stockholm and wanted to spread the word around the neighborhood, they help an open house “Welcome” party.

By placingt actual sized welcome mats with the information printed on the other side in front of neighbor’s doors, they garnered  a 30% attendance among neighbors at the open house. 

Book ’em, Dan-o!

If you’re like me, you have way too many books and precious little room. Well, now those symbols of a dying medium can serve a better purpose than just impressing people who believe you are a voracious reader.

Some author who can afford three names has given bibliophiles (tome-maniacs?) some ideas for those stacks of bound paper. If that doesn’t do it, there are pieces of mounting hardware and furniture to help you out.

 

Interactive ads are very touching!

Everyone loves to play, so interactive ads have gained momentum over the past couple of years. There’s some great and odd stuff out there.

Created by Kara Grey of the Tequila Advertising Agency in New Zealand, this innovative billboard for Pedigree pet foods allows people to play with a virtual puppy while they are waiting for their bus.

The brainchild of advertising agency Saatchi & Saatchi, a number of UK bus shelters have been transformed into interactive gaming stations which invite travelers to bash as many digital falling eggs as they can in 20 seconds, in order to release their creamy goop.

Remember how fun it was writing on casts when the class jocks (or klutzes) busted their arms? This billboard ad for Sharpie permanent markers builds on that fascination by encouraging people to write on the giant white e-cast. 

This ad for Korea University’s Institute of Foreign Languages is a hoot! I love the fun and clever approach they use to get people to register and learn a new language. By pulling out the tongue-shaped lier, potential students can see themselves learning a foreign language. The tagline reads, “Get the native tongue.” 

MAD Magazine never had a fold in like this (if they did, they might not be cutting back to a quarterly publishing schedule from monthly). Wonderbra grabbed the center spread and by pulling the attached strings, it give you a demonstration of how the bra model, well, you know. Probably not a great idea for advertising Viagra, but there are some other uses I can imagine.

Tattoos that can save your life

Yes, a gang tattoo might save your life if you have to stroll through Bloods territory to and from work, but, at least in this case, Draper Laboratories of Massachusetts has developed a color-changing nanoparticle tattoo ink that can help diabetes patients monitor their glucose levels.

Heather Clark, a scientist at Draper, says that the nanoparticle tattoo wouldn’t have to be terribly large to be effective for diabetes patients: “It doesn’t have to be a large, over-the-shoulder kind of tattoo. It would only have to be a few millimeters in size and wouldn’t have to go as deep as a normal tattoo.”

Get the bloody message across

Public bathrooms are becoming an increasingly popular target for advertising. The latest is a guerrilla bathroom campaign to promote the second season of Dexter on the FX channel in Portugal. The campaign uses a blood-red dye in urinals to produce a blood-like flush. The campaign catches people off-guard (literally with their pants down) and stays true to Dexter’s trademark of excessive blood and gore.

This is probably not the venue for introducing the new Coke-a-Cola flavor.

There are many unique ways to get your message across and make it stick in people’s minds. Every day, new technology has some application and even good ol’ imagination can create something wonderful in the place of bells and whistles. 

Here at The AFTERLIFE, we pride ourselves on using whatever is available and within your budget. Whatever it is you can afford, we promise more bang for your buck.

Jonathan Schneider – Archangel of Creativity
The AFTERLIFE 

Yes, bang my buck!

A Random Thing

It may seem that we’re shilling for despair.com but the truth is, we are shilling for our own services by highlighting how success is obtained by quick action and jumping on opportunities! With that said, the fabulously branded and smart people at Despair have done it again! A week after their Christian Bale shirt hit the net, now they have a slap in the face to, er, Facebook.

Denizens of the social network have been treated to the viral question, “25 random thoughts,” in which they are supposed to spill out their inner thoughts, dreams, secrets and dirty laundry (we just put our dirty laundry and inner hopes into a hamper). To those who are bothered by this question comes…

“”I DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW 1 RANDOM THING ABOUT YOU. “

Brilliant because it’s true!

http://site.despair.com/1randomthing/

And, yet another truthful secret yearning for Facebook users…

http://site.despair.com/ignore/

Get ’em while people can still understand the joke, which won’t be as long as our “Disenchanted Muggles for Voldemort” 2008 election material lasted. At least we had several months of success with that one!

 ©WB

The AFTERLIFE EPITAPH – Feb. 9th, 2009 #13, Vol.1

Lucky number 13! Thirteen issues of The EPITAPH, a couple of news flashes and we seem to be highly successful with readers. We are enthusiastic by the response and thank everyone for their kind and supportive messages.

On an odd note, we get some other blogs that link to ours and we always welcome that. In the last issue, a Barak Obama site linked in to our story about the anti-Obama placards we spotlighted for their graphic excellence and then they quickly broke the link. Probably not the thing their readers wanted to see. 

Again, we here at The AFTERLIFE take no political sides. The articles appeared because the graphics were excellent and that’s what we do here; spotlight excellence (unless we are tearing down pure dreck!). Republican, democrat, libertarian or whatever, commrades, we make no political distinctions, nor will we ever because no matter what political stance you take, we are all future worm food together. There’s unity for you!

Well, without delay, on to the stuff you asked for…and some you didn’t!

Quotes from the deceased

“Any man who afflicts the human race with ideas must be prepared to see them misunderstood.”

~ H. L. Mencken

Eulogy to the AFTERLIFE

“It’s a great blog. I’d even buy it as a coffee table book!” – R.J. Matson – Editorial Cartoonist, St. Louis Post-Dispatch

We need 102 issues before that happens, but it’s nice to know there’s ONE customer waiting patiently. – JS

3D is more than my grandmother’s old apartment!

That’s pretty much the only joke we can make for this item. A Japanese camera maker has developed the world’s first compact digital camera featuring a three-dimensional image system that allows three-dimensional still and moving images to be viewed with the naked eye. The system comprises three elements: a 3-D digital camera which captures an image exactly as your eyes see it, a 3-D digital photo frame, and 3-D prints. It is planned for release in 2009, taking digital cameras into a new era.

D Viewer Technology. ©FUJIFILM Corporation

This company uses a newly developed image processor, RP (Real Photo) Processor 3D, in the new system, with which it has succeeded in reducing this lag to less than 0.001 second. The processor also approximately synchronizes photo conditions on the right and left, including focus, brightness, and hue. Another problem with previous technologies was the difficultly of accurately crossing the center lines of the right and left lenses near the object being photographed, but this problem has been overcome with the use of the newly developed FinePix Real 3D Lens System.

With people, be color blind, otherwise it DOES matter!

Have you ever wondered why you seem to be hungrier at the counter of a fast food joint, more than you were when you walked in? Or why you eat so fast while you are there?

The importance of colors and their effects on the human mind have been of interest to scientists for some time. It’s been proven that colors have a great impact on our emotions and the way we react in various situations. Many doctors choose office colors that will relax their patients, and restaurant owners choose colors that make customers feel at home and hungry. Bright colors generally cause people to feel happier and earth tones make us feel more at ease and comfortable. A new study shows that two colors, blue and red, produce very different thinking capabilities.

If you’re doing something that requires more creative thinking, then blue would be the color to paint the walls in your office or to have as a background on your laptop. If, on the other hand, you need to be more accurate and detail-oriented, choose red.

The same may be said for the color of products and the packaging in which they sit on retail shelves. So don’t just stand behind a designer, directing colors that you remember being the color in grandma’s curtains; choose colors that affect moods and make consumers excited at the prospect of owning the product or reading the ad. Get it?

If a new study is any guide, the color red can make people’s work more accurate, and blue can make people more creative. In the study, published Thursday on the Web site of the journal Science, researchers at the University of British Columbia conducted tests with 600 people to determine whether cognitive performance varied when people saw red or blue. Participants performed tasks with words or images displayed against red, blue or neutral backgrounds on computer screens.

If there’s a satellite, then what’s the regular strength?

Google Maps is quickly becoming the go-to way to get around. iPhone users already use the application to receive GPS driving and walking directions, and the implementation of Google Latitude makes your every move publicly visible.

There are a number of other Google Maps discoveries that are a little less mainstream. How about roof advertising especially designed for Google Maps users? Or gathering a group of friends and enacting a series of silly scenarios to be immortalized on Google Maps’ Street View feature?

By changing a few numbers in the Google Maps URL, you can unlock a super close zoom option!  Only a few areas have been mapped for super close zoom, but in those areas you can identify the little people, see animals, etc.  As “Big Brother” as this may sound, we always say, use the technology to your advantage!

In order to unlock the super close zoom, you need to do the following: 
1. Using the satelite view, find a location that might be mapped with a lot of detail. 
2. Zoom in all the way 
3. Click “link to this page”, which is at the top right 
4. Replace the number after the “z” parameter in the URL.  The higher the number, the closer the zoom.  Most of the super close zoom areas are mapped between 20 and 23.

Marketing that’s driven

The Hyundai Genesis Super Bowl 2009 commercials were undeniably badass, partly due to Rhys Millen’s drifting and partly due to the return of The Smashing Pumpkins for the ad’s soundtrack. Hyundai is prolonging the buzz around these ads by giving away an exclusive free download of the track on its site.

The Smashing Pumpkins song used in the Hyundai Genesis Super Bowl commercials is called “FOL,” and it’s exclusive to users who register for free at the Hyundai site…at least, until the pirates get a hold of it. Heh-heh! I mean Aaaarh!

USB another great thing!

These high tech wristbands look like the popular wristbands that are sold to benefit charities. Pop them apart, however, and you’ll find a flash drive that can be used in your computer’s USB port. They come in eight colors and six drive capacities. Want them customized? You can add a logo and even a preloaded file.

Jones-in’ for love?

While we may have shaken a disapproving finger at the Jones Company for their shameful Obama Soda, we don’t hold grudges when it comes to great ideas.

This Valentine’s Day, snuggle up with your sweetheart and get a little sugar baby, um pure cane sugar that is, with the tasty new Love Potion #6 ($30) from the folks at Jones Soda. Forget the flowers and candy, because this romantic brew can be customized with your very own photo and personal message right on the bottle to express your love. This gift includes a 12 pack of Love Potion #6 Soda, Love Potion #6 Lip Balm and a Jones Soda Poster. It’ll definitely cast quite the love spell and is even endorsed by Cupid, I think. 

http://www.myjones.com/valentines/

3D isn’t just my grandm…oh, we used that joke already.

Don’t give your Valentine a regular, boring old two-dimensional card, when you can give them one these cool new 3D Valentine cards ($3). Simply write your romantic message anywhere on this card covered in red and blue hearts and when your sweetheart opens the card and puts on the included 3D glasses, they will see your note floating above a sea of hearts!

Just look at the well thought out message they used in their ad! Keep in mind one of the services at The AFTERLIFE is writing. Next time, give us a call!

And for the love of hate…

Some people, believe it or not, are not exactly fans of Valentine’s Day and wish Hallmark would blow up, killing every writer in the place. At The AFTERLIFE, we say, “don’t saddle us with those no-talent hacks!”

While we might suggest you sit down with your sweetheart the weekend before Valentine’s Day and watch “Blood Diamond” so she wouldn’t dare expect or even mention wanting diamond jewelry, there are many websites and gifts for the anti-valentine people out there. You know who you are.

Black roses in a coffin shaped box. A bit scary, even for us!

Broken Heart Knife Holder.

The “Knife Throwing” block

My personal favorite (because I have two of them), The Ex Knife Holder

Just in case you CAN’T “get over it!”

If you can’t” get over it,” then do it yourself!

And help your friends who can’t “get over it!”

And, just in case…

If the “Blood Diamond” viewing only makes her more insistent on a lump of compressed carbon, then try  a graceful porcelain mug that adorns you with a sparkling “diamond” ring when you pick it up. But wait, here’s the BEST part – it’s packed the 2 Carat Cup in an elegant over-size jewelry box, so when you present it as a gift, all you see is the ring!

White porcelain with gold or silver colored glaze and Swarovski rhinestone, individually boxed.

An idea that really stinks!

Well, it helps things that stink. Or…well you can imagine. The paper has color changing ink that reacts to odors. Use on food packaging to tell if it’s spoiled. Diapers to see if it’s changing time. Blogs that run out of truly innovative ideas and need to spotlight items like these!

Scarier than Valentine’s Day

These ads for the Sci-Fi Channel use a very clever twist on the old movie posters that warn that “The aliens are coming!” These posters reverse the roles, instead warning that “The humans are coming!”

Great use of the vintage-looking images, complete with worn-out creases. The ads were created by advertising agency Saatchi & Saatchi, Milan, Italy.

The shizzle dizzle shiatsu

An odd ambient from advertising agency, Fields in Brazil, the message is “Relax with Shiatsu” (the Japanese massage art of walking on one’s back). While ambient adversing is a great way to gain attention, this one just makes our backs hurt at the mere thought.

We love our clients as if they were our own valentines! Why not think of making a date with us and see how love grows? The angels at The AFTERLIFE wish you all a Happy Valentine’s Day and remind you that the design firms you use now are cheating on you and you should dump them right away. We will love you forever!

Jonathan Schneider – Archangel of Creativity
The AFTERLIFE 

Find true love here!

 

Bale out!

That was quick! It didn’t take the folks at Despair.com long to get this product on the web.

http://site.despair.com/christianbale/

To much, too soon?

Perhaps the Super Bowl was the cutoff date for any moratorium on these jokes?

The AFTERLIFE EPITAPH – Feb. 2nd, 2009 – #12, Vol 1.

Today is the American celebration named “Groundhog Day” (it’s also National Buy a Newspaper Day! Don’t you hate when two major holidays land on the same day!?) On February 2nd, a large rodent called a groundhog, which seems to serve no purpose in the food chain, is reportedly some kind of witch’s tool that comes out once a year, on February 2nd, much like my 58 year-old cousin who still lives with my aunt and uncle, and if he sees his shadow (the groundhog, that is), there is supposed to be six more weeks of winter. This is also used to gauge the bonus level of American automobile industry CEOs.

But, more importantly, tomorrow, February 3rd, is the 50th anniversary of the day the music died. Here at The AFTERLIFE, we have enjoyed the company of Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and J.P. “The Big Bopper” Richardson since the plane that carried them crashed into a snow-covered field near Clear Lake, Iowa. 

Quotes from the deceased

“Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves.” 
~ Lord Byron

Eulogy to the afterlife

“Wow…what an effort. You’re research seems detailed and complete…who knew all this stuff existed!” – Bob Bishop, Bishop Partners, LLC.

We did! – JS

  So, who says there’s a Richard Dawkins?

Professor Richard Dawkins, the author of non-fiction book ‘The God Delusion,” poses for photographers in front of a London bus featuring the atheist advertisement with the slogan ‘There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life’ in London, Tuesday, Jan. 6, 2009. The campaign supported by professor Dawkins and the British Humanist Association is a response to evangelical Christian advertisements running on buses in June 2008. For the campaign 800 buses featuring the slogan are running across the country and 1000 advertisements are posted on the London underground railway system.

Not available at your local Walmart

A model wears a creation by British fashion designer John Galliano as part of his men’s Fall-Winter 2009/2010 collection, in Paris, Friday, Jan. 23, 2009. Can you picture yourself in this outfit?

Perhaps a giant pretzel is more your speed for meeting the guys at the local sports bar? The phallic part at the bottom is a real “chic magnet!”

RIP T-shirt Hell

Tired of complaints and hate letters, the owner of the web site, tshirthell.com has thrown in the towel, shirt…er, whatever, and is closing as of February 10th. Innovative and cutting edge designs that are sure to offend are the hallmark of this eight year-old firm. It’s a shame that the products will no longer be available but a tragedy that the first amendment takes another hit from a few individuals who seem unable to just click a different link and not view the site and products that offend them so much.

The site offers 15% off for the next week…if you trust they won’t take your cash and tell you to go to…well, you know.

Color me pink…or whatever!

I knew a creative director who once scanned some Easter-color M&Ms for a spring line. This ingenious gadget design allows you to select colors from real life and achieve the more lively feel you were hoping for. Its built-in scanner captures the shade, the internal chip processes the information. Now Home Depot isn’t the only place you can capture that perfect color for all your design needs!

Paperless business cards

Move over, unwanted phone books and out-of-date business cards: There’s a new way to disseminate your contact information, and it’s called the .tel domain. By purchasing a .tel domain, you can create a digital version of all of the ways to contact you, accessible via an easy-to-remember Web address.

The .tel domains aren’t available for average Joes and Janes yet, however. According to TreeHugger, applications are only being accepted from trademarked businesses as of right now; on February 3, advance registrations will be accepted, and on March 23, domains will be available for everyone.

What are the benefits of a .tel domain? Unlike business cards, updating information like titles, phone numbers and companies is a snap. And unlike phone books, your directory listing is easily accessible, even on the go.

The question is: how do you tell people where your information can be viewed? I suppose you…need…a…business, er, card.

 

A graphic message

Not that we get into politics here because everyone ends up six feet under anyway, but we have to admire the graphics on these placards. Not the usual handwritten, misspelled messages. Just look at the craftsmanship of the horns on President Obama. The color balance. The hellish flames behind him. The upside-down flag is another brilliant touch that adds a certain “umph!” to the message.

The “God hates all nations” placard is an eye-popping usage of bold type, with great contrasting colors. These folks really had their act together and instead of going the cheap route by getting together one evening and hand-painting a bunch of signs, they obviously knew the value of a professional job and the results it can garner.

Always use a professional is the lesson here!

Cereal killer!

Under the “why didn’t I think of that dept.” comes Cereality. The unique franchise servers up cereal, both old favorites and new mixes of old favorites and add-alongs. Brilliantly branded, the stores have state of the art “bowls” and take-out packaging. The link, below is a must visit. Truly impressive!

http://www.cereality.com/comp.php

By the same token, I remember when Peanut Butter & Co. was opened in lower Manhattan in 1998. “Hmmmm?!” I thought. “An interesting idea, but will it last?”

Well, owner and founder, Lee Zalban is a smart man. Over ten years he knew to expand and diversify just enough to keep the same PB experience, but to offer other venues on the theme.

Obviously doing very well, he grew up, unlike “Peter Pan” and didn’t have to “Skippy” town in a “JIF!” I know, I know. A business selling peanut butter sandwiches? Sounds nuts!

http://www.ilovepeanutbutter.com/

The breast solution?

Everyone is tired of those Enzyte commercials. They keep saying it enhances a “certain part of the male anatomy” (can they be legally libel if your feet swell?). Besides, it doesn’t work…I’m told. Well, there’s something for the ladies, too! A Bulgarian company has invented a beer that contains breast-enhancing stimulants proven to increase your cup size.

Boza beer was only available in Bulgaria—until recent custom changes that is.

“European men have been flocking to Bulgaria, buying Boza, and taking it home to their wives and girlfriends for a little experiment in alcoholic augmentation,” Styledash reports.

While the Bulagarians are drinking their boobs bigger, the Japanese are upping their cups with cookies. The “FCup” cookie is selling like, er, hotcakes in Japan. Please, God! Don’t let the kids raid the cookie jar when mom’s not looking!

Monster of an idea!

Monster.com has always had a great cutting edge to branding (what business entity would use an actual monster as a mascot?) and the new commercials are more of the same. Faced with a huge unemployment rate, the job site uses humor, which I have always said is the basis for an entertaining ad, ever since I was a young firebrand being dismissed from a Creative director’s office for suggesting humor be used in a car ad. Guess who was right?

Star attraction!

A few issues back, we highlighted magnetic ninja throwing stars that appear to be embedded in your refrigerator or other metallic surface. Now there’s the same thing for pin boards. Use them in your office and co-workers will start being nice to you. VERY nice!

Try pinning a raise request to your boss’ pin board and we’ll bet you have double that in no time and the boss will probably avoid your gaze until retirement.

What’s old is ewww! again

I fully admit to wearing a fanny pack years ago. I wore it on my fanny and not turned to the front like some geek. They were great! When you need to tote a lot of extra stuff (and it was before cell phones needed an extra pocket, besides wallet, keys, etc.). Peer pressure and passing snickers led me to use it solely for the intended purpose of biking.

Well, with spring comes the new fashions and the fanny back is back and more rugged than ever! Expect to see these all over the place…until the snickers start again and people give them to Goodwill.

Permanent wrong choices

I once went to check into a motel and the young lady at the front desk had a fresh tattoo across her throat that said “Satanic” with a heart dotting the “i”. It was disturbing those who were checking in and several people turned and left but not before confronting the manager. Checking out the next day, the young lady was now wearing a scarf around her neck. I went to speak with the manager about it and was told that it was the young lady’s first job and she was so excited getting it, that she celebrated by getting the tattoo. The manager put up with it because the young lady was her niece. They were both gone the next time I stayed at that motel.

There’s an example of a foolish choice that will forever steer her career…right down the drain. Well, here’s some more foolish ink that either will separate the tattooed owners from society or make them regret it very soon down the road.

Literary?

Eye-brow catching?

The new babysitter is here!

The orange prison jump suit tells the whole story of his choices in life!

Yikes!

Express bus to H…E…double toothpicks

We don’t like to second guess why people do the things they do. I mean, perhaps we don’t see why decisions are made, but…we know what we like and there was little to like as far as commercials go during the Super Bowl last night. We do have to save at least one seat on the bus to Hell for whomever was responsible for the GoDaddy commercials. Boys and girls (and I’m sure both were responsible), sex doesn’t necessarily sell (look at the PETA ad that was rejected). Clever. informative, entertaining. Those sell. Use some clever sex, informative sex or entertaining sex and you might have something, but those commercials will go down in history as some of the worst in broadcast history.

We would go on about this, but GoDaddy might consider it “water cooler talk” and feel empowered. 

Trends can be short lived and why invest in that? The idea of a Satanic throat tattoo seems like a great idea when you’re 18 but pretty soon it’s evident that it was a waste of money. Here, at The AFTERLIFE, we consider long range goals and effectiveness of branding, ads, packaging and tattoos. So why gamble your creative budget with guys who will be wearing orange prison jump suits? Contact us for some great ideas that you won’t want to laser out tomorrow!

Jonathan Schneider – Archangel of Creativity
The AFTERLIFE 

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