The AFTERLIFE EPITAPH – Jan. 26th, 2009 – #11, Vol 1.

Many thanks to those who are avid readers of The EPITAPH. The number of hits has more than doubled in the last month! We are pleased to bring you items gleaned from the living and hope it sparks creative though for your business and personal lives.

Quotes from the deceased

“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.”

~ Dorothy Parker

Eulogy to The AFTERLIFE

“Another good one! You always dig up the best stuff!” – Matthew Hawkins, custompapertoys.com

Monster Zero attacks Japan!

What starts in Japan is not far from our own markets. Well, a trip to a Japanese supermarket or convenience store these days reveals a prominence of items displaying the numeral “0” on their packaging. They are calling shoppers’ attention to the fact that the products are sugar-, calorie-, or fat-free – and sometimes all three. These “zero-type” foods and drinks, as they have been dubbed, have struck a chord among a rapidly expanding legion of health-conscious consumers, from middle-aged men who want to trim inches from their waistlines to young women who wish to stay slim. Developing foods that satisfy both taste buds and the desire to cut calories is not easy, but beverage and food makers are now marketing an array of new products to meet the burgeoning demand.

Huge New Market
In an effort to clamp down on metabolic syndrome, which increases the likelihood of cardiovascular and other lifestyle-related diseases, medical checkups since April 2008 have routinely included measurements of the waistline, in addition to such traditional items as cholesterol and fat content, blood pressure, and blood sugar levels. This has had the effect of making people more conscious about their weight and helped to ignite a boom in “zero” foods and drinks.

The “zero” products are particularly appealing to those who do not want to give up drinking alcohol or soft drinks but, at the same time, want to hold down their caloric intake. Canned happoshu (a beer-like, low-malt beverage), chuhai (sparkling beverages with a shochu, or distilled liquor, base), and coffee free of sweeteners were launched one after another and rang up unexpectedly strong sales, creating a massive new market for these zero-type drinks.

And delicious Swedish Meatballs!

Ikea has always led the pack with brilliant, innovative ideas and advertising (and good food in their stores!). Here’s the latest…

Blinded by the light

As you know, we like to spotlight really fun ideas that are incredibly stupid…and this is no exception!

A fun multi-colored computer keyboard that changes colors with each keystroke, like a retro disco floor. This rainbow keyboard comes with the option of staying in its preset hue, or changing with each keystroke. Luxeed’s USB keyboards are available in a white backlit version (KRW 118,800 / $127 USD) 
and a sleek black back lit version (KRW 125,600 / $134 USD), where the keys stay black and only the letters change colors.

I would imagine you would have about ten minutes of typing before you were struck by a splitting headache or convulsions. There’s a reason disco is dead.

Less of a mind-burner, for the Scrabbleoids out there is the Scrabble Tile keyboard, made from real tiles!

LEGO my…

This gigantic Lego bricks is actually a hard drive designed by the world-famous designer Ora-Ïto. It works with the standard USB2.0 interface and come in different colors and capacities, a white 160GB model, a red 250GB, the blue color 300GB, and lastly another red model that can hold 500GB of data.

This playful 10,000 Year Desktop Calendar features three blocks (yellow, red, white) that you can assemble and rearrange as you desire. Giving your numerous fun possibilities to spice up your desk. Each brick measures 80mm cube.

The Lego Brick Inspired 10,000 Year Desktop Calendar sells for $27

La Cambre Architecture (founded in 1927) is the most famous architecture school in Belgium. The school wanted new business cards that reflect their focus on “creation” and “practice”, so they commissioned the Leo Burnett, Belgium ad agency which came up with these creative business cards.

Creative director Jean-Paul Lefebvre and art director Marie-laure Cliquennois created the card design in the shape of a Lego brick with the contact information printed on the sides of the brick.

It is a fun card that reflects the “imagination” and “construction” nature of the school.

Although they are unofficial imitations, these “lego” block MP3 players look like an over sized version of the real thing. The manufacturer creatively used the bumps (isn’t there an actual name for those, by the way?) as control knobs, and they come in a range of classic LEGO colors: red, blue, green, yellow, and white. The included Li-ion battery can be fully charged in six hours via a USB cable connected to your computer while you manage your files.

Here’s a first: a LEGO-inspired sofa that features interlocking, rubber pieces that allow you to easily change its configuration. One potential negative, it’s priced at $466.

Class up your LEGO ring with a little Bling.  The Forever Young Ring No.1 adds a shiney stone to an already cute design.

LEGO is selling a new ice tray that pops little LEGO brick of ice.  This means you can build your own LEGO ice sculpture.  The $10 LEGO ice cube tray is made out of silicone, dishwasher safe and capable of making up to 10 ice bricks.

Sometimes, you just have to say “fork it!” Available through Perpetualkid.com, the Lego utensils build a balanced diet.

Oh, Baby!

Outtakes from the etrade baby commercials to air on Super Bowl Sunday…

Nearer my drink to thee

I guess enough time has passed to make fun of the worst maritime disaster in the history of shipping, so why not enjoy a cold drink, cooled by the ill-fated Titanic?!

Obama-nation!

Is it any wonder people will jump on the Obama bandwagon? “Orange you glad for change” Cola by the Jones Soda Company is the latest example of poor taste (although I’m sure it tastes delicious) from corporate America. At least we never saw 9-11 7-Up!

Deadly honest!

Black Death Vodka may not have steered people away from alcohol

and while Death brand cigarettes were embraced by smokers as the “hippest” packaging for cancer sticks,

perhaps the I (heart) Cancer portable ashtray may give smokers second thoughts. Nah! It’s just too cool.

Just your type!

Having done my share of pop-up cards for Hallmark, this book uses the technology extremely well.

“Butter” packaging ideas

I am a huge fan of spray butter. It’s a great invention and by using it, I believe I have shaved off enough minutes per application to add several years of leisure time to my life. Well, the next generation of butter application not only saves time, it can also be a delicious alternative to Chapstick!

Can’t stand your iPhone?

If you own and iPhone, you know the problem. If you don’t own an iPhone, skip to the next story. Well, now that those miserable idiots who are  far beneath us are reading the next story, we all know the problem with trying to spend quality time watching things on our iPhones. There’s a DYI solution…

If a bunch of number 2 pencils is not number 1 with you, then try this little gizmo…

The iFlyz holder is a must have for the iPhone. Hey! Let’s have one more laugh at the expense of those non-iPhone owners now reading the next story. Ha-ha!

Got you covered!

Uh-oh! I told the non-iPhone owners to skip to the next story and it’s about the new Go-go iPhone cover. The cover allows the Apple symbol to show through for a hilarious effect…if you own an iPhone. Yeah. This is embarrassing.

Happy meal…drink…whatever!

A cool design of cup and saucer just makes you so happy, you will forget you don’t own an iPhone!

When the automobile was first introduced and gained popularity, manufacturers of horse-drawn accessories refused to look to the future and went out of business. There was an employee who worked for a manufacturer of saddles and buggy whips who suggested the company retool to manufacture leather automobile seats. He was immediately fired and probably starved to death. Executives at that firm then followed his advice and the rest is history.

In these uncertain times, it pays to look to the future. iPhone applications and accessories are just one huge market. At The AFTERLIFE, we pride ourselves in the concepting and design of products, packaging, ads and other initiatives for success. Why not contact us to see what we can do for your buggy whips?!

Just go to the SEANCE page to contact us or just CLICK HERE!

Jonathan Schneider – Archangel of Creativity

The AFTERLIFE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The AFTERLIFE EPITAPH – Jan. 19th, 2009 #10, Vol. 1

 

A very happy and thoughtful MLK Day to all. His vision and persistence remind us all in these uncertain times, that we cannot be complaisant. We must struggle and fight and keep reaching for what may seem impossible, rather than improbable. We must accept the darkest times before we see the light, but that time will come. Like our fathers and mothers and their parents before them, we will overcome the fear and the terror. We will subdue the beast that claws at us so our children will not know that fear and they will live in the light, faces to the sun, and smile.

Quotes from the deceased

“I have a dream.”

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

(For full speech text and video, CLICK HERE)

Eulogy to The AFTERLIFE

“Super Cool!” – Russell Calabrese, Director – Nickelodeon Animation Studios

A man of few words and many talents! But we do have a ten word minimum on all eulogies, so please allow the editing:

“Super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super, super Cool!”

Why thank you, Russell! Oh, how you do go on! – JS

P.S. – the dog is dead and so is the bird

After making a budgerigar brassiere from the feathers of two deceased pets, Sydney-based artist Emily Valentine Bullock began creating these dogs using plumage from dead birds.

Her collection features bizarre creations such as a Loridoodle and a pair of Budgie Chihuahuas.

Over the last ten years, the artist has developed her technique fashioning these colorful canines from feathers from various sources including road kill, cat kill and dead pets.

The artist has recently moved to a new source of feathers: the Indian Mynah bird, which she traps in a special cage before gassing them with a car exhaust.

While the use of these feathers may be controversial, the Indian Mynah bird is a registered pest in Australia.

“In my work I wish to discuss how attitudes to wearing animals and birds parts have changed. Is this just because of fashion, or has society become more caring of animals? I wish to stimulate the viewer with the uncomfortable nature of the feather, to question our callousness treatment of animals and birds, and ask how we sub-consciously classify animals – pet or pest, valued or worthless, beautiful or plain and why.”

iYum!

The ever-escalating iPhone mania still surprises me, but I do love this amazingly well-executed iPhone cake. All the features and icons look so much like the real deal. It is so cute I could just eat it. I guess that is the point.

The other hardware cakes are amazing too. The laptop and Helio cake are terrific and your dentist will appreciate you using these delectable items. They are so over-the-top it is hilarious. It’s enough to inspire me to put my apron on and get baking! Almost enough.

Nick and Danielle Bilton’s clever iPhone cupcakes took first prize at the Cupcake Design Competition on September 15. The design competition was a part of Ignite NYC. These images, as captured by Bre Pettis, show an astoundingly realistic iteration of the famous home screen of the iPhone.

These iPhone cupcakes have all 12 buttons reproduced in 100% edible form. Delicious but don’t use your fingers to press the buttons!

 

Dollbama

I should actually say, “the Action-Figure-In-Chief.”

Modeled after the now famous design of some hack who just ran a photo through the Photoshop posterize filter, these are available from Jail Break Toys.

Sold out for now, more will hit the internet site. Get yours before the new president starts making progress and prices, er, drop?!

Set phasers on…stupid!

As if there weren’t enough useless merchandise for those with no lives, living in their parent’s basement; now comes the Kilngon Alphabet Keyboard.

$65 buys this item, but can one put a price on being the first one on your block to own this? Or, the only one on your block to own this?

 

GUTsy recall!

If you own a “I heart guts – Plush Uterus,” please be aware of a recall. It seems young children can choke on the ovaries. I can’t say that’s ironic, but it’s something!

 

 

Burger virgins and Burger sluts!

Burger King recently ran their “Burger Virgin” campaign in which they gave Whoppers and McDonald’s Big Macs to test subjects around the world who had never tasted a burger (or had clogged arteries, strokes or suffered from obesity). While BK thought it would create a buzz of discussion, pop jokes and self-administered tests, it is reported that it all flopped as no one truly believed these subjects could differentiate a Whopper from a cow pie sandwich on two planks of wood.

Two thumbs down for BK, who should have used at least the humor Quizno’s used several years ago in their competition with Subway (test subjects were offered Subway sandwiches brimming with cash vs. a plain Quizno’s sandwich, Quizno’s sandwiches were placed in a guillotine while testers report “wouldn’t touch Quizno’s sandwich!”).

Kudos for Arby’s and their porny commercial where the man lies on the bed, shouting to the wife who insists she is only fulfilling his birthday wishes and appears from the bathroom dressed as a Arby’s counterperson, holding her man’s favorite meal. After dinner treats are, of course, left to your imagination.

 

Who? Why? Because!

I fully admit to being a Dr. Who fan. I have a Dalek on my desk and…well, it gets boring from this point, but the newest MUST HAVE for fans of the Dr. is the Dalek Cell Phone Charm.

Just hang one off your jacket, computer bag, navel ring, etc., and any time you get a call on your cell phone, your very own imprisoned Dalek will spin around and little lights will flash near its base. It’s just that simple. So, anytime you have to leave your cell phone on “silent,” just watch your Dalek to see if you have an incoming call. Then answer, “ex-term-in-ate!”

 

The Epitaph sinks to a new low

Yes, it’s pretty randy, but as so many wrote us to say how much they enjoyed the “Jump Drive issue,” we just had to include these jump drives.

The dogs have a peculiar naughtiness whenever they spy a free USB port. They…well…they sort of, kind of, um… “go to town,” if you will and they won’t stop until you um…separate them from the source of their affections.

 

I dream of sushi

And if you do, too, then why not enjoy the latest piece of the plush craze and get a sushi pillow?!

These Sushi pillows are hand made in the USA (a real rarity these days) by people who really really like Sushi.

Choose the delightful Shrimp Nigiri… or go for the delicious Salmon. There’s even a giant green Edamame for you to cuddle up with. But be warned, the chopsticks are the size of a truck!

 

Go fuji yourself!

Japanese is a very hard language for foreigners to learn. One wrong inflection and you are telling people to set themselves on fire instead of asking for the restroom. That’s why this tome is perfect for those about to visit the land of the rising sun.

Apparently there’s a lot you can say in Japanese using just your hands, nose, arms, and other forms of suggestive “body” language. This whimsical look at Japan’s “language of no language” introduces 70 gestures that will help you hurl insults, flirt, agree, excuse yourself, cross the street, and even make promises…wordlessly!

Some are deadly, some practical, some wacky, but all are genuine and used today on the streets of Japan, at home, and in manga and anime. Finally, a way to tell someone at a loud party, “Hey! Your underwear is showing!” in four easy hand motions! 70 Japanese Gestures is an excellent instruction book for students of Japanese, language teachers, business negotiators, and cross-cultural observers. Fully indexed and illustrated.

 

More sabotage!

Personally, I love sabotage marketing. It’s the practice of using an existing ad (usually a billboard and using it to build on your message). It’s pretty much impossible to get a publication to agree to help you do it (but it can be done slyly and effectively) but billboards are another story.

Here’s some fun examples:

 

Tomorrow, Barak Obama is sworn in as our next president. So far, he has shown innovative use of the internet for fundraising and initiative and forethought in how to deal with the problems we face as a nation and a member of a world community. We here at The AFTERLIFE believe bold innovation is the key to boosting your product and services. Contact us to discuss new ways of pushing you forward in these times of struggle and we’ll find new ways for you to succeed!

Jonathan Schneider – Archangel of Creativity
The AFTERLIFE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The AFTERLIFE EPITAPH – Jan. 12th, 2009 #9, Vol.1

Need a reminder to read each new issue published on Monday? Follow us on Twitter (www.twitter.com/the_afterlife) or use the RSS feed icon on the sidebar. Or, use a ouija board.

(Print, cut out, run with scissors)

Quotes From the Deceased

“If you’re going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you’re going to be locked up.” 
~ Hunter S. Thompson

Eulogy to The AFTERLIFE

“Your new “Afterlife” blog is so AWESOME!!! It’s delightful to read about your innovation searches again. I had missed the quirky things you find and especially the funny writing. You have a amazing eye for researching this stuff.”

Ann Schleihs, Designer/Art Director – Hallmark Cards, Inc.

Glad you like the new blog. I miss doing the !NNOVATION Lounge for Hallmark, but everything must pass on and The AFTERLIFE Epitaph is available to all; Hallmark, American Greetings, Recycled Greetings, Nobleworks, etc. and people who don’t make or even like greeting cards! – JS

Deplane dreamland

The latest innovation for weary travelers has arrived. The next time you fly through Munich and happen to be at Terminal 2, head towards gate H32 and you will see two very interesting-looking cabins with colorful walls and bright touch screens.

The nap cabins (Napcabs) are private mini hotel rooms that were developed by five students for the 2007 Innovation Competition held by the Technical University of Munich.. For 15 Euros per hour (minimum purchase of 30 Euros/2 hours), you can have this travel oasis all to yourself while you wait for the next flight. Close the door behind you and you will immediately shut out the outside world from disturbing your alone time. A comfortable bed awaits you here, along with a mini work station containing two power outlets and a LAN cable to hook up your laptop to the internet.

Another touchscreen inside offers you a number of options. Two options: ‘Relax Yourself’ and ‘Activate Yourself’ immediately alter the room’s atmosphere according to your choice. A hidden mood lighting system by German giant Osram softly changes colours, while a Bach compilation begins to play in the background. Other options on the touch screen allow you to check the status of your flight, listen to music, or watch movies.

You can relax, take your clothes off, and take a nap. Use the touch screen to set an alarm to wake you up and birds begin to chirp at the appointed hour, alerting you that it’s time to get up and catch your flight. The walls serve to block most of the noises around you, with the only noticeable outside activity being the sound of other tired travelers, who have been lured to your cabin, and are mindlessly going through the touch screen outside your cabin before noticing the flashing “Occupied” sign.

It’s my guess that the Napcabs are used for more, er, intimate purposes, too. If they are ever put into airports at Denver or Mexico City, you can join the “mile high club” without ever setting foot on a plane!

These are somewhat akin to the Japanese capsule hotels.

If you are travelling to Tokyo on a budget, think about these “morgue drawer-like” capsules.

http://travellingboard.net/hotels/capsule-inn-akihabara-welcome-to-tokyo/

A steamy, er, iSteamy application

If you have an iPhone, you need to download this fun and FREE new application called the iSteam Application. Once the app is installed, simply blow into the iPhone’s microphone and the whole screen becomes a foggy dripping wet haze that you can draw or write messages on. As you draw or tilt the iPhone, little water droplets actually form and slide down the screen and it even makes that irritating squeaking rubbing sound as you clear away the steam as well. Just shake the iPhone to clear the screen and you can start over. It’s like you dropped your expensive phone into the toilet…which…never…happens. Right?

Hit ’em where it hurts!

The Cuore is Daihatsu’s most fuel efficient model. To catch driver’s attention, they installed minature gas pumps near Daihatsu dealerships. The flyers in the mini-pumps deliver the message about savings on gas fill-ups and direct them to the nearest dealership to take a test drive.

AAAAAAAAAAA!

Ad for Niche – Toys for adults. I know the advertising and movie world makes it look like only supermodels inhabit the planet, but this is too far in the other direction. Don’t remind me of my blind dates!  I’d be afraid to go because I might meet her. 

The freakiest ad ever seen!

Saatchi & Saatchi Toronto is responsible for this freak-fest.

Simple and VERY effective!

From IMIP in Brazil (via agency Ampla) comes a print campaign that poses men, women and children next to trash cans. It creates a message that makes you think hard about donating your organs.

Brain storms!

This ad campaign from Rethink in Vancouver for D&M Publishers, an independent publishing house in Canada uses simple imagery. I’m all for simple and direct…which is why I’m divorced but that’s a story that would fill volumes!

iTime wasters

Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Personally, I use Facebook and Twitter to waste my time but these are as cool as they are weird. iPhone apps that are totally useless, which is why they’re so great!

Rimshot & Crickets – free

It might be called Rimshot & Crickets, but my favorite sound in this obnoxious package is the immortal “Sad Trombone.” What boring meeting can’t be livened up by a sad trombone? “Jim, sales figures are down for the year.” Wah-wah-wahaha. “We’re going to have to let you go.” Wah-wah-wahaha. “I can’t come into work today, because a have the plague.” Wah-wah-wahaha. Classic stuff.

Amateur Surgeon – $4.99

Not much is weirder than this hack-’em-open game from TV network Adult Swim. It stars a young pizza delivery boy with a taste for backroom surgical shenanigans, and a range of tools that includes a pizza cutter and a stapler. Just be warned; in accordance with a new iTunes policy, the considerable quantity of cyber blood being splashed about mean this one’s for the over-17s only.

Ocarina – $0.99

Wunerful, wunerful and thenkya, boys! Guitar Hero, eat your heart out. Ocarina offers iPhone owners a real electronic musical instrument to learn. Play by blowing into the microphone, create tunes with your fingers. Iit’s surprising quite how lifelike it feels. You can even record your creations and share them with your friends…who may stop being your friends soon after.

Weird Laws of the World – $0.99

Did you know that it is illegal to carry a rabid dog in a taxicab in the City of London, but they can serve you “Spotted Dick?” No? Now you do; and you also know that you need to bone up on your weird laws trivia. This app lets you do just that, delivering a new weird law to your phone every day, ready for you to bore your friends with. Sounds like my ex’s ambulance-chasing attorney could use this app, along with a degree from a better Caribbean law school. But I digress.

Drunk Dialer – $0.99

Do you enjoy a drink or two or eight? Do you also have a contact list full of your exes? You need this application. It prevents you from making those oh-so-embarrassing boozy, late-night calls to former partners you’d rather forget, by replacing the phone’s dial pad with one that requires you to hold the phone still to use. If you’re swaying, you’re out of luck. If you stand outside their window, singing off key, you’re on your own!

Soul Trapper – $7.99

No, it’s not my ex-wife. She costs much much more than $7.99 (add several zeros on the end). Part adventure, part audio book, this imaginative and lengthy game will take you on a journey through the spirit world. The story is about a series of hauntings in Los Angeles that uses narration and audio games to lead you from one chapter to the next, and it sports some decent voice acting to boot.

RjDj Album – $2.99

Are you ready for something really weird? Again, it has nothing to do with my ex. RjDj uses both microphone and headphones to thrust you into a world where background noise takes on dimensions you’ve never thought possible; like my ex’s screaming and whining…but I digress. RjDj will make your even the most boring of commutes fascinating.

Virtual Zippo Lighter – free

Anti-smoking laws have neutered those epic lighters-in-the-air moments at rock concerts. Fight back with Virtual Zippo Lighter, an authentic recreation of the Zippo experience on your iPhone. You can choose your lighter style, tap the flame, and even blow into the mic to make it sputter.

Theremin – $0.99

Ever heard of a theremin? Created by a Russian inventor who gave his name to the device (his last name is Merman), it’s a non-contact electronic musical instrument; you play it by waving your arms at it. Although it sounds comically doofus, its otherworldly tones made it a staple of movie soundtracks, and now you can try it on your iPhone. No, it doesn’t work quite the same way, but by waving your iPhone in just the right way, you can generate quite a passable imitation of what’s perhaps the weirdest of all instruments.

Cartoonizeme – $0.99

Is your iPhone photo roll full of boring shots of your friends and family? Please don’t write in and tell us or e-mail them! Cartoonizeme lets you liven them up with a few choice edits: a moustache here, a pair of comedy glasses there, an obnoxious birthday message in a garish font to finish up. No Photoshop or good taste required.

Hold On! – free

How long can you press a button? Who really cares! But, for those of you who do because this app is free, Hold On! lets you find out: there’s nothing else to do except hold down a big button. Why would anybody want to do such a thing? No idea, but if you were looking for Most Useful iPhone Apps, you came to the wrong place. Perhaps the weirdest thing about it is that Apple has it listed in the “Productivity” category. Weird!

Will the iPhone lose out to the LG 3G Watch Phone?

I don’t carry a watch anymore and the same goes for a growing number of people. The time is right on my phone. But you have to pull it out and look at it. That’s the idea behind the LG’s long-anticipated, 3G-capable watch phone, set for release this year—but just in Europe.

LG’s Touch Watch Phone (a.k.a., the LG-GD910) is apparently still in testing, it is, however, slated to go on sale “sometime” this year.   

That’s the good news. The bad news? The LG-GD910 (no pricing details yet) is only going retail in Europe, leaving North American Dick Tracy fans in the lurch, at least for now.
That said, on with the details: LG claims that the 13.9mm-thick GD910 boasts a curved tempered glass face and “high quality” metal casing—so no, we’re not talking a black plastic calculator watch with a zillion buttons.

The 1.43-inch touch display is icon-based and Flash-powered, and under the hood is quad-band GSM for world calling and 7.2Mbps HSDPA for video telephone over the built-in camera.

Other features: Voice commands, either with or without a Bluetooth headset; text-to-speech for reading text messages to you aloud; a music player (I’m guessing video wouldn’t be too satisfying on the 1.43-inch screen), a built-in speaker, and stereo Bluetooth support.

OK, so LG’s Touch Watch Phone doesn’t sound terribly practical; still, I can’t wait to get my hands (er, wrist) on it and try it on for size.

Heartbreaking because I didn’t think of it!

We’ve given kudos to the folks at Despair.com before, but their latest initiative is pure brilliance! Here it is in their own words:

When cruelty and holidays collide, the weak-willed find solace in self-pity and comfort foods. And now, Despair Inc. is pleased to announce that we’ve combined BOTH into a radical new offering. 

Introducing Bittersweets® – The Valentine’s Candy for the Rest of Us. 

Like the ubiquitous candy conversation hearts, Bittersweets® are made of flavored, chalky-tasting sugar and sport a message on their face. But unlike other candy hearts, ours are stamped with bitter musings and mockeries perfectly suited to the dejected spirits of those who will spend the holiday alone, or wishing they were.

Messages recalling an almost forgotten, unbearably painful memory of being dumped. Or perhaps of a dysfunctional, psychotic ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Or of that cruel-hearted girl (or boy) in elementary school who rejected your valentine solicitations, informing you that Jake (or Holly) was “so totally way hotter.” 

Now available in THREE unique collections- “Dejected”, “Dysfunctional”, and “Dumped”– with each featuring up to 37 unique sayings each! 

“Dejected” sayings include: 

I MISS MY EX | PEAKED AT 17 | MAIL ORDER | TABLE FOR 1
I CRY ON Q | U C MY BLOG? | LOSS LEADER | A FINE WHINE 
MOMMY ISSUES | DIGNITY FREE | DORK MAGNET | PURE NAUSEA
WE HAD PLANS | MAIL ORDER | SETTLE 4LESS | I’M HOT INSIDE

“Dysfunctional” sayings include: 

ANNULMENT | I BEEN CREEPIN | HE CAN LISTEN | GAME ON TV
CALL A 900# | P.S. I LUV ME | DO MY DISHES | BOOTY INFL8N 
PAROLE IS UP! | AWFUL INLAWS | SUB PRIME | I WANT HALF
RETURN 2 PIT | NO FIX 4 DUMB | RATHER DRINK | MUTUAL DISGUST

“Dumped” sayings include: 

I GOT SOBER | HE FIT U FAT | U LEFT SEATUP | USED U 4 FUN 
JUST A FRIEND | BACK 2 KENNEL | DORKA PHOBIC | U HAVE A BLOG
RUSSIAN BRIDE | CELEB8 THX2U | DOG IS CUTER | TRADIN YOU IN
FORGET WE MET | KISS A FROG | SHE IS 22! | HE HAS A JOB 

Truly, Bittersweets® are the perfect gift for you OR for someone you love, especially if that special someone is one who doesn’t want to hurt your feelings but just doesn’t feel that way about you but still wants to be friends so they can torment you with stories about their crushes on someone who doesn’t appreciate them like you do, can’t love them like you can, and actually takes pleasure in corralling a herd of fawning “just friends” behind themselves as they indulge in one self-destructive relationship after another, with no hope of ever finding true love, despite an army of souls eager to lavish it upon them. 

(You know what we’re talking about) 

Supplies are limited. But the pain that accompanies them may not be. 

CLICK HERE for Despair

iTie…i,i,i,i,i!

 

Here’s their pitch…

Welcome to The iTie – iTies are made from the highest quality 100% pure silk.

The iTie is changing the way people wear neckties, one tie at a time!  The patented design features a hidden pocket on the back of the necktie which attaches to two buttons on the wearer’s dress shirt keeping the tie in perfect position.  In the concealed pocket, one can store:

Business Cards/Credit Cards/Money
iPod or MP3 Player – Speaker wires can be concealed and worn under the dress shirt with ear pieces coming out of the shirt’s collar.
Lighter/Cigarettes
Building Access Card/Work ID’s
Personal items
Chewing Gum/Breath Mints
Pens
Or anything else you can think of that will fit!

A larger version of the iTie pocket will be available for The iPhone/Blackberry/and other larger devices.

Okay, personal observation time. I never wear a tie clip because the pulling of the shirt and tie is a pain in the neck…literally! Add the weight of an iPod or the bulk of a pack of cigarettes (like no one will notice that bulge in your tie) and you will look like people who wear those umbrella rain hats (practical, yes, but just too freaky to wear).

Sometimes there are just innovations, like the electric spaghetti turning fork, that have to be put away. Judge for yourself…http://www.theitie.com/

iPlay

 

The iBoxer is a coin-operated amusement machine with an iPhone-style design intended for use in modern clubs and pubs. It has a little punching bag where you can vent all your alcohol-induced anger. The machine looks like a really large iPhone with a bitten logo, obviously based on Apple’s design. The machine only comes in black or white and is generated tremendous buzz, sparking interest to play with the newest technological innovations.

The Kriss-Sport iBoxer is fully weatherproof and is equipped with high-quality stereo MP3 sound-system, wide demo program (music plus illuminations), an OLED back-light and LED lighting which makes for low-power consumption (only 35W). The iBoxer can be equipped with a coin acceptor, bill acceptor or an SMS payment acceptor, and additional ticket dispenser.

I keep telling clients that anything that has to do with cell phones or cell phone technology is the key to success. The cell phone is the future in communications, information, internet, retail, entertainment, social expression and…talking to others!  We here at The AFTERLIFE love to work with this technology to create new and different initiatives for our clients. Get in touch with us and let’s see what we can do for you! 

Just use the ouija board in the SEANCE section to send us a good, old fashioned e-mail.

And with the last of the iThings stories…iDone with this issue!

Jonathan Schneider – Archangel of Creativity
The AFTERLIFE 

The AFTERLIFE EPITAPH – Jan. 5th, 2009 #8, Vol.1

Welcome to another year of life! The feedback on The EPITAPH has been great and we appreciate the messages of kudos and death threats alike. Please feel free to post a comment right on the blog. We are going to add a couple of old things that people say they missed about the editor’s ultra-successful blog for Hallmark Cards (The !NNOVATION Lounge). Read on, Macduff and enjoy the latest innovation and trends for the living.

Quotes From the Deceased

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.”

~ Albert Einstein

Eulogy to The AFTERLIFE

“Kudos to The AFTERLIFE. The world beyond never looked so fun. I thought it was just a tunnel with blinding lights with fuzzy figures calling out to you. You have shown that it is a world of creative and colorful commerce. I hope they take credit cards there, ’cause they don’t in this world.”

David Erwin, Executive Creative Director, Licensing & Brand Management  – DC Comics (A Warner Bros. Entertainment Company)

Thanks, David! You are a man of class and taste, but apparently you don’t receive the credit you deserve. You can always cash in on your superior creative abilities in The AFTERLIFE! Hope to work with you again in 2009 (and beyond!) ~ JS

In Memorium

For the first issue of 2009, we would be remiss if we didn’t offer a list of the movers and shakers who passed on in 2008. For them, we include a passage from the also late, Matthew Arnold’s Memorial Verses. A little passage I plan on including on my tombstone should my family refuse to have a parking meter in place that reads, “EXPIRED.”

His eye plunged down the weltering strife,
The turmoil of expiring life—
He said: The end is everywhere,
Art still has truth, take refuge there!
And he was happy, if to know
Causes of things, and far below
His feet to see the lurid flow
Of terror, and insane distress,
And headlong fate, be happiness.

New AFTERLIFE residents

Tattoo, Three or More!

If you’re like me, you have one, or two or a dozen tattoos. THIS is the most incredible tattoo art I have ever seen. I’m not talking about beautifully colored and rendered dragons or Sailor Jerry work…I’m talking incredible use of the medium and design.

Give This Toy the Finger!

Tuttuki Bako (manufactured by Bandai) is the latest virtual toy from Japan. While the Tamogatchi was a pet you pushed buttons to play with, this toy uses your finger. Insert your index finger into the hole and watch as the LCD screen mimics the finger movements. No matter what, I’m not sticking my finger into any toy that doesn’t explain the functions and ramifications with english instructions!

Flat Burger without the Fat

The Origami Burger is a great way to lose weight! You’ll probably just go insane trying to fold and glue the snacks included. It must be popular as the on-line retailer is out of stock.

Set includes sheets of printed sixteen, 6″x 6″ pieces of origami paper to make two burgers, a soda, a carton of fries and a tray. Illustrated instructions are easy to follow even if you don’t understand Japanese…because you don’t have to stick your finger into it, as with Tuttuki bako!

Watch the Birdie!

Even James Bond would be amazed at a normal-sized watch that can record eight hours of color video with sound! Just plug your watch into your computer via USB and download your recordings. Retailing for $199.99, imagine video proof of your abusive boss going on at you behind closed doors, that obnoxious HR person or the person cheating on your best friend.

Available HERE!

Cheat Death!

Not that we here at The AFTERLIFE support this sort of thing, but in the Cheating Death quiz, you’ll try to match up the famous corpse with the object that might have prevented his or her death.

Take the quiz!

The Obama Generation?

Who knows why people do what they do? Pepsi recently redesigned a logo older and more recognizable than you or I. The question is (not the “new Coke,” “Classic Coke” thing) but is this design made to mimic the Obama logo? Will Pepsi redesign in four or eight years? What is this supposed to mean anyway? Well, in an all out effort to hype, er, make the public aware of its new logo and celebrate the “next generation’s” apparent positive outlook for the coming year, Pepsi has unleashed itself upon Times Square with a week-long promotional extravaganza.

Here’s a really disturbing video!

Do uLike iArt?

Disney artist Stef Kardos aims to dispel any myths that the iPhone isn’t a legitimate art tool with this digital collection of ‘iPhone Sketches.’

 

Using only the Brushes iPhone app, Kardos has created a stunning digital portfolio of sunsets, pop art and portraits. All of the artwork is posted to Kardos’ Flickr page. If you’re unfamiliar with how the Brushes iPhone app works, check out a demo above created by David Onze, another user.

The “END” product

Only in Asia would you find such a gadget. The “fart silencer” is inserted where the sun don’t shine and will mute the sound of any flatulent emission (it looks like it would make a whistle sound like one of those toy turbine rings). Wearers can also insert a cotton ball dipped in “any pleasing scent” to mask any odiferous emanations. What is it they eat in Asia that causes such intestinal problems? Even with this product, I think I can still say, “I haven’t seen it all!”

Got creativity?

Pulled from the air after only a few days, this is the funniest milk commercial ever! Considering a generation of Monty Python and SNL viewers are consumers, why was this considered “not appropriate?”

iSponge Dockpants

The “eyes” have it with this creative iPod dock with speaker eyeballs. Available at Toys ‘r’ Us.

Worth a 1000 words

Simplicity has always been the best word in print ads. These ads for Careerbuilder get the “job” done!

Not my “type” of ad

Aside from the product being rather odd…as well as everything in it being odd, who would have approved of the double headline in this old ad? Luckily, the executive who approved this is probably dead by now. Unfortunately, this is The AFTERLIFE!

It’s not that we’re against odd. Many oddities have great attention draw but there’s creative “odd” and foolish “odd.” Years of experience has taught our creative staff the difference and we strive to create an odd that people will talk about. An odd that will draw attention. An odd that will be viral and appear on blogs and e-mails across the world. All we ask is that you allow us to play the “odds.” Oddly enough, you’ll come up a winner!

Jonathan Schneider – Archangel of Creativity
The AFTERLIFE

Seance to The AFTERLIFE